Winter Olymipcs 2014

Venues

Venues spread all across the country. Well okay then, Belfast and Derry.

We learnt from the last time that perhaps the Maze venue wasn’t quite right.  I mean who in there right mind would build a major sporting facility out there?  What were we thinking, we must have been drunk.  Actually that’s probably true... anyway... this time we will bring the games to everyone in Northern Ireland/ the North of Ireland.  Our plans for a new stadium at the Kesh were clearly stupid and ill thought through, so this time we’re going with existing infrastructure, you know, all the stuff the Brits have been subvening for so many years.

Think Winter Olympics and what do you think?  No, after skin tight suits, that’s right, ice skating!!  And where better to welcome the majestic sport of ice skating than Dundonald Ice Bowl.  Careful though, that might not be flowers they’re throwing at the skaters.  As a bonus we get to add a new event to the games – Pirate Crazy Golf!! Sure it’s not a sport but arrrrhh shiver me timbers, neither’s slidin’ doon a hill on a tea tray laddie!

Speaking of sliding down a hill on a tea tray, all that mad shit will take place in Derry/Londonderry/L/derry/ as we finally find a use for all those feckin’ hills.  Uh, we’ll sort the ice bit out later, sure they’re very resourceful up there in Derrylondon.

Similarly the bobsleigh is much too girly at the moment, and in 2014 it will tale place from the top of Cave Hill in shopping trolleys which are nicked from Tesco, lets see how those Jamaican fucks deal with that.  In another change speed skating will be shoplifters skating around Castlecourt with irate shopkeepers chasing them.

New Event

The biathlon event will change slightly.  Rather than the competitors cross country skiing and shooting set targets, it will now take place alongside the ski jumping event and the winner will be the man (women cant shoot for shit) who hits the most ski jumpers in mid air.

An Event We Might Win (If Hell Freezes Over During The Games)

Home Grown Talent

Ice Hockey!!  A home grown sport we can finally take pride in.  Todd Kelman and a host of other B-rate north American stars with made up names will be found Irish grandmothers so we can cobble together a team.  Unfortunately the Odyssey probably won’t be available because there will almost certainly be a Westlife concert on.  So it might be held in the car park, or Coca-cola McDonalds Outdoor Megabowl as it will be called.

Climate

Okay we know it doesn’t really snow enough here, but never fear, we have plans in place to shred millions of consecutively numbered Northern Bank notes and dump them out of a hot air balloon, you know the one in those Progressive ads during the UTV weather.  What do you mean it’s not a real balloon – do you think Torino won the bid with that kind of negative attitude?  Actually come to think of it we’ll do like Turin and call derryLondon “Derino” from now on, that should sort that stroke city shit out.