Who the fuck is Zara Phillips?

Born at a young age, many people think Zara was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. This is a common misconception, she was actually born in a manger, no crib for a bed, no wait that was... yes she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.  Her middle name (i.e. her 14th name) is Corgi and she has eight toes on her left foot, two more than Gerry Kelly.

Zara and her boyfriend

Zara began her education at a special school called Hogwarts where she and Hermione Granger... no wait, wrong person again.  When she was growing up Zara had two servants who just had to tie her shoes, but they were beheaded when they tied double knots in them one day.  The Queen was not amused when she heard this, until Prince Philip told her they were only "ghastly foreigners."

After some careful consideration she decided against a career in a slaughter house or down a coalmine and opted instead for a life of fannying about on a horse.  In fact as a toddler Zara would often ride around royal palaces on Prince Edward's back, not because he was a horse, but because he was a horse's ass.

Zara wins gold in the hunting
peasants championships

Although she normally prefers to ride using a saddle, Zara once barebacked Princess Anne.  Zara has to pay to keep her horses in a stable out of her own pocket.  So you may often see her stealing the little sugar sachets from coffee shops.  Yes, she is a fucking cheapskate.

As well as sponging off the public purse, Zara actually has a substantial income from her personal electronics business empire.  The Phillips Ambilight TV was her idea, inspired by her own colourful, yet pointless existence.

Princess Zara doesn't drive a Citroen Xsara - not because it's a commoners' car but because it's French and thus a piece of shite.

If I kill these two I'll be ninth!

Being a modern working royal, Zara has decided that she will pay taxes, however to counter this she reserves the right to kill any "poor people" who look at her.  She carries a knife at all times for this purpose, and claims that her personal best is 14 kills in one day.

Zara has often been dubbed the "rebel royal", however this is thought to have been a mistake and should have been "Revel royal" referring to her addiction to the chocolate sweets which she has had treatment for since 1999 when Prince Andrew found her in a pool of blood and chocolate after she tried to inject the coffee one.