Thursday 12:03

A source at one of the counts has informed me, "The counters are fucking slow."

Thursday 15:10

Reg Empey less popular than Naomi Long, my sources say he is currently crying in the men's toilets.

Thursday 15:33

This just in - clearly a lot of sexual chemistry between Jim Allister and Bairbre de Brún.

Thursday 16:10

After carefully analysing and intensively studying some of the tallies I'm getting - the UUP are fucked.

Thursday 16:41

Why are counts in the sticks always so slow?

Thursday 16:59

Bob "The Law" got totally merked by the Green Party, the Green Party, in North Down.  Ooops.

Thursday 17:51

Wee Willie Frazer eliminated.  It's just not fair.

Thursday 18:46

My sources in the DUP are telling me Jimmy Spratt could eat no fat, Stalford could eat no lean, and so betwixt the two of them they licked the platter clean.

Thursday 19:53

Some info from an insider at one of the counts, Martin McGuinness's daughter is quite easy on the eye.

Thursday 21:04

This just in: this may be our most pointless page ever.

Thursday 22:44

Paul Berry loses his seat.  Last time he he topped the poll, he liked it at the top, however this election will be remembered for his fondness of the bottom.

Thursday 23:51

While those lazy count bastards go to bed for the night, let's summarise today's events.  Big Ian's big lucky hat worked again.