What Alan McQuillan Can't Sue You For Saying
Upset at the imminent disbanding of his beloved Ass Recovery Agency, chief ass
recoverer Alan "Straight Cop" McQuillan is set to sue Mark "Donnie" Durko for
possibly implying that maybe he was a bit dodgy like that fat copper dude off
the Bill who did that other show on Channel 5 that wasn't the Crystal Maze,
but did have midgets. Man that was fucked up shit.
Now the last thing you want is to be dragged through the British courts by
some bent copper who's probably paid off the judge, not that this is what's
happening, but you understand it would probably be bad if it did happen, which
it isn't. Although it might give Durko one up on the shinners if he was
thrown in jail and able to mount his own dirty protest – all around election
time. Coincidence? We'll leave that up to you. Not that we're
implying collusion, obviously.
So to keep you on the right side of Alan, or the dark side as NASA call it,
we've compiled a list of things that you can say that he technically can't sue
you for, at least not without looking like a stupid arse for doing so:
- The old order RUC often have large waists.
- Chasing criminals down the street wouldn't be his strong point.
- His favourite part of his job is lunch time.
- His nickname at school was Anal McQuillan. Ironically, that’s what they call him at the Ass Recovery Agency.
- His wife says his assets are small, but she still loves him.
- Alan hates it when people call him Bobby. Next time you see him call him Bobby.
- Alan’s application for the Tufty Club was rejected as their rules state that, "No members of the securocrats can be members of the Tufty Club." The fact that he was 39 years old may have also been a reason.
- Alan’s proudest achievement is proving that you can have your cake and eat it.
If you think we're poking fun at him unneccessarily,
you clearly haven't seen our stuff on Stephen Nolan
ass-recovery@randomshite.co.uk
