US Primaries Election Guide
Uncle Sam is busy at the minute with elections, not real elections mind you, elections to pick people
to stand for election. Crazeeee or what? That’s not how it’s done in the UK. Look
at Brown (not too long, you might hurt your eyes), he wasn’t elected Prime Minister, hell he wasn’t
even really elected Labour leader, and that’s all worked out perfectly. Okay, we admit we can’t
tell our cocks from our caucuses but we’re still gonna give you the low-down on the candidates anyway:
Barack Obama
Pros
Fresh faced, Washington outsider, inspiring and full of optimism.
Cons
Too young, too inexperienced, light on detail and full of shit.
John McCain
Pros
Respected, straight talking and experienced.
Cons
Crazy old guy who doesn't know when to keep it shut.
Hillary Clinton
Pros
Knows Bill, experienced, intelligent, has breasts.
Cons
Breasts are saggy, not as nice a Bill, quite annoying.
John Edwards
Pros
Smart, slick.
Cons
Couldn’t even beat John Kerry, even a retard could beat John Kerry*
*see 2004 election result for further information
Ron Paul
Pros
Easy name to remember.
Cons
Everything else about him is completely forgettable.
Rudi Giuliani
Pros
America will always remember him for his leadership qualities after 9/11.
Republicans don’t like him that much.
Cons
America can't remember if he has any other qualities. He's a republican.
Mike Huckabee
Pros
God.
Cons
Chuck Norris.
Al Gore
Pros
Has won a previous presidential election.
Cons
Fat fuck who wastes electricity and is too lazy to run for anything.
Dennis Kucinich
Pros
Hot babe wife, his name sounds like another word for a snatch.
Cons
Freakin’ weirdo, his name sounds like another word for a snatch.
Tony Blair
Pros
Still popular in America, has previous experience implementing American foreign policy.
Cons
Cherie makes Hillary look normal.
Mitt Romney
Pros
Looks presidential, made a profit running the winter Olympics.
Cons
The winter Olympics are gay.
And if you thought that was all stupid, just remember that they called an actual day during their actual election "Super Duper Tuesday"
super-duper@randomshite.co.uk
