Tory Tips For The Top
So
Ken Clarke's threw his hat into the ring for the Conservative Party leadership contest. And
what a lovely hat it is too, stuffed full of British American Tobacco money. Just because
he's older than Michael Howard who says he's too old for the job, doesn't mean he's too old for
the job. Look what happened when they gave the job to little Willy Hague. He wasn't
too old. He was, however, embarrassingly shite. Then there was Ian Duncan Smith.
Despite having a catchy acronym, IDS was even more shite.
Labour will soon ditch Tony Blair (with an acronym that's not so much catchy as contagious) for
that tight arse Gordon Brown. So being the ultra conservatives that we are at Random Shite,
we want to help the Tories pick the right man for the job so they can win this time.
Tony Blair
Pros - Appeals to middle England, disliked by Labour voters,
big friend of American Republicans and has experience
fighting Gordon Brown in an election.
Cons - Lies a lot and is developing man boobs.
Maggie Thatcher
Pros - Still has a good hand-bagging action and not afraid to
piss off the French – quite enjoys it in fact.
Cons - Would have to wake her up too often. Has a habit of
snathcing milk.
The Queen
Pros - Is popular with the public, respected throughout the
world and has good conservative values.
Cons - Prince Phillip, Prince Charles, Prince Edward.
Boris Johnson
Pros - Mad as a box of frogs.
Cons - Mad as a box of frogs.
Ellen MacArthur
Pros - Is a good role model, faces adversity head on, up for a
challenge, a real winner.
Cons - We still don't give a shit.
Dr. Fox
Pros - Liam.
Cons - Neil.
David Trimble
Pros - Has previous experience leading a party into oblivion.
Cons - See above.
Anthony from Big Brother
Pros - He has won something lately, will get out the
youth vote.
Cons - Dumb as a spoon of custard.
Newton Emerson
Pros - More time on his hands now that the Portadown News
has been decommissioned, plus he's bald.
Cons - Doesn't like anybody, is bitchy.
Jimmy Greaves
Pros - Popular figure, once had his own TV show, friend of Ian
St John, likes a drink.
Cons - Football is so working class. Doesn't have TV show
anymore, friend of Ian St John, doesn't know when to
stop drinking.
So there you go Conservative Party, you can thank us by emailing
blue-rinse@randomshite.co.uk or by sending us a brown envelope stuffed
with cash - no Northern notes please, we've had enough trouble shifting those.
