The Poofort Scale
Anyone who’s ever done geography in school will remember the Beaufort scale to measure
wind. It was a nice enough scale and easy to memorise for tests (or exams as they
became known as the years went by) but utterly feckin’ useless under any circumstances
in real life.
Something they don’t teach you in school however, and luckily something we’re about to
enlighten you on, is a scale to measure your poo. That’s right, it’s Random Shite’s
scale of shite.
The Poofort Scale
|
10 |
The perfect release. One whole log. No wiping. Fantastic. A rarity to treasure. |
|
9 |
Excellent satisfaction, plus very little wipage and virtually no breakage and no need for a follow up. |
|
8 |
Very high satisfaction, little wiping, little breakup and unlikely to need a follow up. |
|
7 |
A good release. Fairly satisfying and probably only two logs at most. |
|
6 |
A just average poo. Not greatly satisfying, possible breakup, but not too much wiping needed either. |
|
5 |
Below average. Definite breakup and more wiping than you’d like. You’ll probably have to come back later to finish the job. |
|
4 |
Total lack of satisfaction, you know there’s more left in the tank. Probably stinks and looks a bit yellow too. |
|
3 |
Semi-solid and requires too much wiping. No satisfaction. |
|
2 |
The kind of thing you see in a portaloo. Definitely not a solid mass and wipe city. |
|
1 |
Diarrheoa – lumpy, watery, messy and endless wiping. Death seems a better option. |
|
0 |
Chronic diarrhoea. An endless gushing of water. You’ve probably ate one of those Cadbury’s salmonella bars. |
There are, of course, other important factors to consider in relation to the performance of a poo. Each of these additional possibilities can add or remove 1 or 2 points from the rating of your poo:
Lingering Smell - The stench of the last person there always destroys the joy of a
dump, you just cant relax your sphincter with other people’s shit smell floating about.
Warm Seat – Once again the previous shitter makes your own poo feel less personal.
Wet Seat – Evil cousin of the warm seat! There’s no dignity in wiping up other
people's splosh.
Splash-back – Nothing worse than dropping the torpedo only for the water to splash
up around you.
Blue Flush – It’s always fun to watch the magic Toilet Duck blue flush. Not
to be confused with the portaloo blue flush which is the piss of the devil himself.
Bricks In The Cistern - Doesn’t leave enough water for a good flush. Prince
Charles - we know you have floaters.
Tracing Paper Bog Roll – What sort of S&M bastard puts this stuff in public conveniences
and places of work? Yes it's cheap, but so are pine cones and you don't wipe your ass
with a pine cone.
Good Reading Material - But not if it’s kept in the toilet, it will have other peoples
shit smell on it then.
Public Shitters - If the lock is bust or loose and you have to be aware of someone
pushing at the door it leads to lack of enjoyment of the shite. As will George Michael
hanging around.
Toilet Roll Levels – If these are low and the shite is a bit sticky on your ass, you
will worry too much that you won’t make it through.
During Work – Nothing more rewarding than shitting in office hours, wasting work time
and using work bog roll. It’s a win, win, win situation.
There’s nothing more satisfying than a good, hassle free release – and nothing more soul destroying than a splattering mess requiring ten bog rolls worth of wiping. So next time you slip one out, you’ll know quantifiably exactly how good it’s been. Why not keep a clipboard beside your toilet and get the whole family to record the quality of their poo? You could even make charts and graphs and give prizes for the best shitters in the house!
Why not tell us about some great poo stories you have
no-shit-sherlock@randomshite.co.uk
