The Appliance: Episode 4
Hello,
I’m Alan Sugar and I’m a belligerent mother fucker. Over the next few weeks
I’ll be looking for the ultimate in kitchen equipment, as I aim to find The
Appliance. This ain’t no phone in and it don’t matter if you’ve got
fancy qualifications - I don’t like no bullshitters and I won’t stand for proper
grammar. I’ve got a number of tasks I’m going to set the candidates, so
helping me keep an eye on them will be my old mates from Spurs, Terry Venables
and Ossie Ardiles who now run my Amskitchen business.
The Appliance
Episode 4
| Sugar: |
Oven, Fridge, Dishwasher, this time I gave the three of you an individual task. I
wanted you to kill Terry Venables because the courts decided I couldn’t sack him.
Terry, how did they get on? |
| Venables: |
*chuckles* Well, first came the Dishwasher. It slammed its door against my shins
a good few times and slid its drawer into my crotch, it performed okay. |
| Sugar: |
Still alive though. What about the Fridge? |
| Venables: |
Well, it managed to trap my head inside itself and wiped my face around the vegetables
compartment which stank a bit, it wasn’t too bad though. Then it threw an ice cube
tray and caught me in the eye. |
| Sugar: |
That was good, I like your spirit fridge, you didn’t give up right to the end. Still
alive though. What about the oven, finally then Tel? |
| Venables: |
Well like the fridge it trapped my head inside it and then it tried to gas me. |
| Sugar: |
Oh that’s a good one! |
| Venables: |
It’s an electric oven though. |
| Sugar: |
Bollocks. Right you lot wait outside, I’ve some decisions to make. |
|
[Appliances leave]
|
|
|---|---|
| Sugar: |
Ossie, what did you do to try and kill him? |
| Ossie: |
What me? |
| Sugar: |
Yea you, when you managed Spurs you pissed my money right up the wall, the least you
could do is top that nonce for me. |
| Ossie: |
I did my best mangaging Tottingham, it was Darreng Angdertong’s fault,
he’s a fucking pussy. |
| Sugar: |
That might be so, but it doesn’t excuse not killing Terry Venables. Ossie you’re fired. |
| Ossie: |
Good. I’ve had enough of my accent being ridiculed. |
| Sugar: |
If you want a fucking job done.... [Lifts Amstrad em@ailer phone and bludgeons Terry Venables to a bloody pulp, then lifts the receiver] Actress woman, tell that lot to fuck off, they’re all fired. I’ve found my perfect appliance, it was sitting on my desk all along... Ossie what are you doing in that corner? |
| Ossie: |
I’m pissing up the wall. |
| Sugar: |
For fuck sake... [Bludgeons Ossie to death with Amstrad em@iler phone] |
|
[Beard scratch, cue music, cut to swooping shot of Canary Wharf where Sugar’s headquarters aren’t at, beard scratch]
|
|
Why not email your views to Sir Alan at
sugar-daddy@randomshite.co.uk
