The Appliance: Episode 3
Hello,
I’m Alan Sugar and I’m a belligerent mother fucker. Over the next few weeks
I’ll be looking for the ultimate in kitchen equipment, as I aim to find The
Appliance. This ain’t no phone in and it don’t matter if you’ve got
fancy qualifications - I don’t like no bullshitters and I won’t stand for proper
grammar. I’ve got a number of tasks I’m going to set the candidates, so
helping me keep an eye on them will be my old mates from Spurs, Terry Venables
and Ossie Ardiles who now run my Amskitchen business.
The Appliance
Episode 3
| Sugar: |
Okay teams we’re down to the last four, today your task was to organise
a piss up in one of my new companies, Amsbrewery. Terry, how did
the oven and kettle get on? |
| Venables: |
The team sold no beer, one glass of wine and burnt down the entire brewery,
killing seven people including two elderly nuns and a small puppy with
big brown eyes. |
| Sugar: |
It’s not looking good for you I have to say. Kettle, was oven a good project
manager? |
| Kettle: |
Sir Alan, no Sir Alan. Sir Alan he had nothing but a pile of half baked
ideas Sir Alan. |
| Sugar: |
Right Ossie, how did the other team get on? |
| Ossie: |
Well the fridge angd dish washer sold nothing, but that’s because the other
team burngt downg the brewery before they got there. |
| Sugar: |
You sold nothing eh? Even the other team managed to sell a glass of
wine. What have you got to say for yourselves? |
| Fridge: |
We didn’t burn down anything or kill anyone, Sir Alan. |
| Sugar: |
It’s a good point and I like your spirit. I like people with
spirit. You was gonna be the losing team cos you sold nothing,
but I’ve changed my mind. Fridge, washing machine, go back to the
kitchen. Oven, kettle, wait outside. One of you is about to be
fired. |
|
[Teams leave]
|
|
|---|---|
| Sugar: |
Terry, what the bleedin’ hell went on, there’s seven people and a puppy dead
and my bleedin’ brewery’s burnt down? |
| Venables: |
Well the oven thought people might get thirsty if the building was hot and on
fire, so he set it on fire. |
| Sugar: |
Fuck me – bit part actor secretary send them in please!! |
|
Bit part: actor secretary |
Sir Alan is ready for you. [Hair flick, saucy look] |
|
[Candidates enter]
|
|
| Sugar: |
Oven. Explain yourself. Terry tells me you set the place on
fire. Is this true? |
| Oven: |
I had the idea Sir Alan, that maybe if people were hot they would be more
thirsty. I thought it would be good for business. |
| Sugar: |
Did you think this was a good idea Kettle? |
| Kettle: |
No Sir Alan. I thought it was a very stupid idea, Sir Alan. It
made me so angry that I was boiling over with rage. |
| Sugar: |
Well at least he had an idea. What was your contribution to the project? |
| Kettle: |
Not killing nuns, Sir Alan... |
| Oven: |
I must say your attitude the whole way through was very negative, moan moan, how
is a kettle supposed to sell drink, moan moan, put away that petrol, moan moan. At
least I sold a glass of wine. |
| Sugar: |
Is this true Kettle, you didn’t even sell anything? |
| Kettle: |
Well no, Sir Alan but.... |
| Sugar: |
I’ve heard enough, I think I’ve made my decision. Kettle, you sold nothing,
you moaned, you didn’t support the project manager... however Oven.... you burnt
down my brewery... that said, you were the best salesman – Kettle, you’re fired. |
|
[Candidates leave]
|
|
| Sugar: |
What a fucking mess. |
| Venables: |
It sure was Sir Alan, *chuckle*. |
| Sugar: |
I dunno why you’re so bleedin’ amused, you let a bleedin' oven burn down my bloody
brewery! Wasn’t you supposed to be watching them? You’ve let them piss
my money right up the wall – Terry, you’re fired! |
| Venables: |
I’ll see you in court.
|
Why not email your views to Sir Alan at
sugar-daddy@randomshite.co.uk
