The Appliance: Episode 1
Hello,
I’m Alan Sugar and I’m a belligerent mother fucker. Over the next few weeks
I’ll be looking for the ultimate in kitchen equipment, as I aim to find The
Appliance. This ain’t no phone in and it don’t matter if you’ve got
fancy qualifications - I don’t like no bullshitters and I won’t stand for proper
grammar. I’ve got a number of tasks I’m going to set the candidates, so
helping me keep an eye on them will be my old mates from Spurs, Terry Venables
and Ossie Ardiles who now run my Amskitchen business.
The Appliance
Episode 1
| Sugar: |
Right your first task was to make me four slices of toast and some tea,
Terry how did the oven, kettle and toaster get on. |
| Venables: |
Well Sir Alan, they managed to make 8 slices of toast and 3 cups of tea
and made a profit of £3.04. |
| Sugar: |
Ok not bad, now Ossie how did the fridge, washing machine and dish
washer do? |
| Ossie: |
Well Sir Alang, they made 3 wet pieces of bread, angd no tea, but the
cups were very cleang. They made a loss of £4.3milliong. |
| Sugar: |
4.3 fucking million quid! Right, oven, kettle and toaster, go back
to the kitchen – you’re safe. Fridge, washing machine and dish washer,
wait outside, there’s gonna be some fucking trouble and someone's
gonna get fired. |
|
[Teams leave] |
|
|---|---|
| Sugar: |
What the fuck happened there? All I want is some toast and tea and
they’re pissing my bleedin’ money up the wall! |
| Ossie: |
Well Sir Alang, it’s actually the BBC’s mongey, they’re pissing. |
| Sugar: |
So who’s fault was it? Who’s to blame? |
| Ossie: |
It was without doubt the fridge’s fault, Sir Alang, it was project
mangager, it was in charge of fingangce, it was the one that ordered
3 milliong boxes of tea bags. |
|
Sugar to: random actor secretary |
Okay random actor secretary, send them in. |
|
[Teams enter] |
|
| Sugar: |
I’m really upset on this one. Really upset, what the hell
was you doing? |
| Fridge: |
Well Sir Alan, let me explain. I was manufactured in the east end of
London and I learned life the hard way. |
| Sugar: |
But you lost me over 4 million quid. What you doing? |
| Dish: Washer |
Sir Alan, I have to say it was all the fridge's fault. It fucked
up. It ordered too much tea. |
| Sugar: |
Who made the tea? |
| Dish: Washer |
I made the tea. |
| Sugar: |
No you didn’t, Ossie tells me there was no tea. Just half a dozen
clean cups by the end. |
| Dish: Washer |
Yes, Sir Alan. But they were very well cleaned and no residue. |
| Sugar: |
I didn’t want clean I wanted tea. You can’t drink clean. Washing machine,
what was you doing while he was cleaning cups? |
| Washing: Machine |
I was wetting bread Sir Alan. |
| Sugar: |
Wetting Bread? Wetting Bread? Why was you doing that? I wanted toast,
did you not read the rules? |
| Washing: Machine |
I did Sir Alan, but as PM, the fridge told me to do it. |
| Sugar: |
Is that right fridge? |
| Fridge: |
Well let me explain Sir Alan, I took a decision, we all took the decision... |
| Sugar: |
Did you or did you not tell him to wet the bread? |
| Fridge: |
No Sir Alan. |
| Sugar: |
Did you or did you not order 3 million tea bags? |
| Fridge: |
I, we as a team took the decision, Sir Alan. |
| Sugar: |
Right I’ve heard enough. (dramatic pause, beard scratch) fridge,
it seems to me you cocked up big time, you ordered too many tea bags
and it seems to me like you decided to wet the bread and are now
lying about it. (dramatic pause, beard scratch) However, you’ve got
a certain spark about you, I like you, so washing machine, I’m
afraid to say, you’re fired. |
Why not email your views to Sir Alan at
sugar-daddy@randomshite.co.uk
