Temperatures Continue To Rise

As the temperature continues to rise and the sweat that used to trickle down your forehead turns into something the size of the Ganges, we've decided it was time to give you all some advice on how to cope...

Bottled water: You don’t want to have to pay for this when you're out and about, it should be free, despite what Peter "tax to the max" Hain says. So instead of buying a bottle simply go into a shop, stand beside the fridge, start screaming and yelping about the heat, then dramatically faint. When the other customers and the shopkeeper come to your help, pretend you can only mouth the word water - they'll start pouring it down your neck, and then get up and leave. Fool proof.
Hats: You'll need these to stop you getting that red-face disease. To get a good one you'll need to have a crappy one to start with, you may have an old one under your bed, beside all the jizz-rags, or your could just steal one off an innocent kid, if they cry its ok to kick them. Wear the hat into a shop and start to try on other hats until you find one you like, then pretend to receive an emergency phone call and run out of store. This also works for sunglasses.
Beachwear: Chances are if you are reading this website on a sunny day you are a lazy fatass. Under no circumstances should you wear revealing clothing, even in the bath.
The Sweaty Undercarriage: This is quite a difficult problem to remedy, the most obvious answer is to put ice cubes in your pants to cool it down. It remains wet, but is much more comfortable. However, the "I’ve wet myself" look may only be appropriate in certain places, such as your own home and church. To get around this the best thing to do is to buy some grapes, preferably seedless. Take the grapes and place them in your freezer for a few hours until they are frozen, then place some of them in your pants. This will cool your undercarriage down and will also give you a quite sexual sensation. The grapes will thaw however and will have to be replaced, but you can eat the ones you've already used.
Hayfever: (Not to be confused with Saturday Night Fever) This is caused by weird summery shit getting up your nose and holding a rave. There is only one sure way to stop this happening and that is to ensure that there is no good location in your nose to hold a rave. This is mostly done by a complete clearout of the nasal cavity, as demonstrated by Daniella Westbrook and Tara Palmer-Wankinson.
Hot Bitches: You will undoubtedly have noticed that as the temperature rises the ratio of hot ass bitches also increases. The reasons for this are two fold. Firstly all the fat heifers are unable to move in the sweltering heat and so are forced to stay at home in their hardened sweat cocoons. Secondly as part of the government’s plan to make Norn Iron more integrated with the rest of Europe they have decreed that skimpy clothing and tanning products especially, attract tax rebates - something for which Peter Hain has been lobbying for quite some time. Our recommendation for dealing with hot bitches is to "lap it up."

Send your top temperature beating tips to
feelin-hot-hot-hot@randomshite.co.uk