Steve McClaren: England Loser

Loser So along with the news that the sky is blue and shit sticks to blankets, we have discovered that Steve McClaren can't manage bollocks. Of course, Random Shite fans knew that already, since 82.3% of you voted for Saddam Hussein to be manager ahead of him. Let's examine the reasons why Steve is such a loser:

He couldn't motivate you to get off your arse for him, even if he pulled a live grenade out of his ass and started bouncing it off the walls.
He is lacking quality players in a number of positions – the number of positions is 11.
He is poorly qualified, with not enough experience - he used to manage Middlesbrough and before that cleaned Alex Ferguson's toilets, where scraping the crap off Fergie's bowl is his only relevant experience.
Immediately dropping Beckham was a big mistake. If he was still playing, he could have dropped him now and made him the scapegoat.

Of course it's easy to point fingers, many England fans are particularly fond of pointing the middle one, so we've also got some helpful hints to get Steve back on track before the Virgin Pendolino train that is the England team derails itself off the Euro 2008 main line and down an embankment of non-qualification into a muddy field of dodgy analogies.

Your players are crap Steve. Start touting around and see if some rich foreigner will buy England – it worked for Chelsea, why not you?
Hargreaves has been a revelation. Check in case there are more Canadians playing in Germany.
Change formation, perhaps 4-5-3 will give you the edge you need.
Listen to Terry Venables – He’s calling you a cock.

However, Steve, you can implement as many of these changes as you want, but even a master-manager like Kevin Keegan couldn’t make the bunch of knob-twiddlers you have play well, so you're going to have to find a new job. We've come up with a short list of jobs we think your unique skills will be suited for:

Pakistani cricket coach
Prime Minister when Tony goes
Prostitute

Have you got a job for Steve? Email us at
scrub-my-bowl@randomshite.co.uk and we'll pass it on to him.