Stephen Nolan

What words can describe this man of so little talent?  Not only is he allowed to pollute our airwaves on Radio Ulster, but we also have to look at the useless prick on our TV screens as he whinges on arrogantly about things he knows nothing about.

Now Stephen didn't begin like this.  He was trim and called Stephen Smith.  Plain, but ambitious.  He was hungry for success.  So hungry that he ate all of the Nolan sisters and then took their name.  He did this because they wouldn't get jiggy with him.  Ironically the weight that this put on him meant he would never get the opportunity to get laid.  Except for a fumble in the dark corner of the BBC bar with May McFetridge after a few shandies on a Friday at Christmas.

This built up sexual frustration is what fuels his anger and drives him to seek out pointless injustices in the greater Belfast area.

We need to fix this and shut this opinionated gobshite up, so we want a volunteer - man, woman or hippo - who will offer themselves up for a night of passion with Stephen Nolan. You'll need to be brave, even Mavis turned him down after a four day bender on meths and Buckfast!!

E-mail us on dont-let-him-go-on-top@randomshite.co.uk if you are stupid enough.

>>> Also see our Stephen Nolan Factoids page. <<<