Stephen Nolan Factoids

According to Tuesday’s Mirror, (and therefore unassailably true) our old mate Stephen Nolan is going all Anne Diamond and having his stomach stapled.  We know we poke fun at him, but we actually like him, he was even the face of Random Shite before Quincy got the job.  It’s just that Stephen’s such an easy target.  Such a big, wobbly, easy target.  So to help you get to know our mate Steve, we’ve put together a few factoids to help shed a bit of light on some of the parts of him that haven't seen light for quite some time.

• He weighs the equivalent of 2,500 Mars bars or just under half of Vanessa Feltz's arse.
• If you dressed him up in a grey suit, gave him a trunk and big ears, then left him in a nature reserve in Kenya, the elephants would not mistake him for one of their own because they are highly intelligent animals that have close social and family bonds.  He might, however, be mauled by a lion.
• Assuming, he has a cross sectional area of 3 feet squared and a drag coefficient of 0.7, if Nolan was dropped out of a plane cruising at 35,000 feet, he would reach a terminal velocity of approximately 400 miles/hr, which would certainly be terminal for him.
• Assuming, he has a cross sectional area of 3 feet squared and a drag coefficient of 0.7, if Nolan fell out of bed and landed on his back, he would scrabble about like a turtle, unable to get up.
• Archimedes' principle states that, "The buoyant force is equal to the weight of the displaced fluid." Stephen tried to prove this principle once, but he broke his bath and flooded his house.

Don't forget, if you listen to Radio Ulster on weekdays from
10.30am to 9.00am you won't hear Stephen Nolan.
now-hold-on-a-minute@randomshite.co.uk