Save The Trolley
Following
on from similar
incidents in the motherland
recently, another
dumb animal got itself stuck in a river today. Passers by raised the alarm early this morning when
a floundering shopping trolley was seen struggling on the banks of the river Lagan. Luckily the
Greenpeace boat Rainbow Warrior II was on patrol in Belfast Lough having received reports of a whale
in the area. As it transpired it was only Stephen Nolan making another shite documentary about the
lough, so the boat left and made its way to the scene of the trolley.
We caught up with Greenpeace vegelesbian, Lettuce McMuesli, as the boat began its urgent mission of
mercy. “Oh it’s terrible, this is just one of literally millions of maltreated trolleys
throughout the world. Day after day they are abused until their wheels go wonky and they are
abandoned to back streets where students ride them up and down during the night, chanting “Deal”,
“No Deal”. Where is the humanity?! Dear God won’t someone think of the children!!”
Unfortunately as they approached the stricken trolley, the Rainbow Warrior II was attacked by spides,
obviously attracted by its colourful sails and shiny poop deck. One Greenpeace activist was sadly
killed
as he shielded the clearly distressed trolley from the mindless thugs. "Wombat" Dave as
he was known to his friends was a seasoned activist. He was 42 and from London upon Thames. He
was not married but he is survived by his own two adopted elderly shopping trolleys, Dixie and
Dingdong. He died instantly when he was hit by a can of Lilt which broke every bone in his feeble,
meat free body.
The greatest tragedy though, is that they were unable to reach the trolley to save it. That’s where
we need your help Shite fans. With your money we can get it on a barge and take it to
safety. We’ll clean it, polish it, give it new wheels and after its rehabilitation, set it loose
again in its natural habitat of the Dunnes car park where it will be reunited with its brethren living
out its natural life to a happy and fulfilling end. Or until some spides nick it and fuck
it back in the river again.
Please give generously, some day it might be a trolley close to you that needs help. Don’t forget
that every penny we receive will go straight into the Random Shite beer trolley fund.
Email your bank or credit card details now to
clearly-a-scam@randomshite.co.uk
Go on, do it. Do it now!
FUCKING DONATE NOW OR WE’LL SEND ROUND GELDOF!!
