Save St. Patrick’s Day From Papal Fascism

Mavis Davis Live from the Vatican

(Well typed live from the Vatican on one of those
Fisher Price Blackberry things)

Our current German Pope began his Papal career by moving into territory previously held by the Polish, well now it seems with Italy behind him, he’s moving on the rest of Europe – starting will Ireland.

My source who can’t be named (Cardinal Brady, who I’m banging) has revealed to me that this year’s early Easter has fuck all to do with the lunar cycle, and fuck everything to do with pissing off the Paddys.  With church attendances down, collection money down and lay understanding of the lunar cycle waning, Ratzinger has made his move.

He’s been unhappy with Ireland ever since he bought a load of shares in Donegal Catch thinking he was on to a good thing, but people continue not to eat fish on the days they’re supposed to.  Whilst monitoring all Catholic TV output from inside his big Pope volcano HQ, he was most agitated when RTÉ changed the Angelus from a lovely holy scene to feckers out in fields with cows and shit. His anger reached a climax with this effort at Christmas when he was incensed at both the amount of foreigners involved and that ugly kid with the tin whistle.

He immediately got on his big red pope-phone hotline direct to Shéámús O’Guinness, the head of RTÉ, but he was out at midnight mass – at 9pm.  This further maddened El Papa since midnight mass is meant to be at midnight, not 9pm, Jesus preached repentance, not convenience.

So in a big hissy fit he has moved St. Paddy’s day to the 15th this year because it “clashes” with Holy Week.  We can’t let him get away with making up the rules like that, or next time he’ll be moving St. Brigid’s day because he wants to go play golf.  So this year on St. Patrick’s Day – yes, March 17th – get drunk, really fucking drunk, drunker than ever before, and sin fucking loads – we’re talking sheep riding, pregnancies and cavorting with Protestants.

That’ll teach him.