Rafael Benitez Master Talktician

For the second game in a row Benitez is giving out about the opponents' tactics.  What a load of bullshit, lower clubs trying with their meager players to do what they can to get the best result – if that means playing a ten man defence against some of the best attacking players, what right does René have to complain about them afterwards?

If they lost 3-0 would he shout about the opposition strikers for scoring against them!  How dare they!  Negative tactics?  At least their team talk doesn’t consist solely of, “Give the ball to Stevie G”.

In fact, our sports correspondent Bob was at the JJB the other night working on a separate undercover report about Yossi Benayoun’s alleged shoddy circumcision, when she overheard the team-talk.

Benitez:

"Mascherano, sit back.  When you get the ball, pass it forward to Stevie.

Stevie, when you get the ball, look up, if you see Torresh – kick the ball in his direction.

Torresh, if the ball comes within 5 yards of you, run like a bastard and kick it at the goal.

Stevie, if you look up and don’t see Torresh, run a bit and have a lash at goal, this keeps working for some reason, so keep doing it.

Dirk, run around and try to confuse the opposition.  And please stop humping my leg.

Pepe, stop the ball.

The rest of you, don’t get in the way and don’t get your kits dirty, Sammy Lee’s tumble dryer is still on the blink."

Stevie G:

"Ceaan ah put on me Genisis tapes naow gaffa?"

If you support a Big-Three-Plus-Liverpool™ team, email us at
bring-back-the-cup-winners-cup@randomshite.co.uk