Prince Charles

Prince Charles, AKA Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor, or Twatty Bollocks, has decided to stop playing polo.  We can hear you sigh in sadness, we were gutted too.  How we loved to watch him in his jodhpurs racing around with a big stick hitting a little ball.  Polo actually began with royalty riding around on horses chasing their servants with big sticks, but someone introduced bloody equality laws and the toffs weren't allowed to do it anymore, stupid fucking liberals.

It is believed Charles is trying to prepare the public for the assassination of his mother, sorry, his accession to the throne, by portraying a more working class persona.  He wants to be known as Chuck from now on and his horse-faced mistress will be known as Milly.  The pair will be giving up all the ceremony they have been used to and are currently going at it like royal rabbits to get Milly up the duff, so they can get a council house.

Chuck is also looking for a job as a taxi driver and has even bought an old Ford Sierra.  He was also seen in Lidl shopping for discount Polish meats and buying a tracksuit in JJB.  Foreign holidays will be once every two years now and will probably be to Portugal or if he's lucky Ibiza.  He’s even going to have a go at squeezing his own toothpaste.

Also, now the only plants he intends to talk to are his Mary J plants he's gonna keep in the north wing, or attic as it's more commonly known.  He's always been an advocate for alternative medicines.  One element of the common life which Chuck will find no trouble fitting in with is the amount of fake 'bling' he will have to wear.  Chuck is used to dressing up with gold and medals which he never did anything to earn.

The Queen has told us, "Jug-ears can shack up with that hussy if he wants, I’ll outlive him anyway.  One intends to be on the throne for a very long time.  Even longer than Philip on the toilet. " Prince Philip shouting from the ‘throne’ said, "Living with the scum? But they are all filthy, they don't have baths tubs and you have to wipe your own shite you know."

Channel 5 are producing a documentary on Charles' new project called When Chuck Told His Ma To Fuck Off, which will be badly produced by Prince Edward.

If you see Chuck and Milly slumming it email us at
rusty-spoon-in-your-mouth@randomshite.co.uk