Patio Heater Facts

This is the most contrived and useless fact we have ever seen.

It estimates 91,000 patio heaters in NI would emit the same amount of CO2 in a year as driving from Belfast to Giant's Causeway and back 116,000 times.

What those bozos at Auntie Beeb forgot to tell you was these additional facts:

If a patio heater was as tall as a football pitch is long and as wide as 4 double-decker buses are tall, it would require half an Olympic size swimming pool's worth of gas to heat it.
Only 18% of patio heaters are used on actual patios.
If lined up one beside another, 7 feet apart, it would take 16 Helen Mirrens 14 hours to knock them all over.
If all the patio gas from all the patio gas heaters in the country was used to power the shuttle to the moon, it wouldn’t get there.
The patio heater was invented by Ghandi, but he filled in the wrong forms for the patent office.
If the metal used to make them was instead used to make sardine tins, 37 dolphins would be killed as a result of catching enough fish to fill 86% of the tins.
It takes 2.75 spides to steal 1 patio heater before it is assembled. It takes 3.16 to steal one after assembly.
If all the gas required to heat half the patio heaters for three hours a day for half a week, was given to terrorists, it would require a 149% increase in output from all Jeep Cherokee factories for the next 3 years.
Every time somebody sparks up a patio heater, Al Gore kills a small puppy in revenge.

So put a jumper on instead you gastards.
gassy-emissions@randomshite.co.uk