One Small Step For Man
It's 37 years this July 21st since we first put a man on the moon. Well, we say "we",
but in truth "our" contribution was "minimal". It all started in the 1950's with the
great space race. Mankind had been shamed when dogs were the first to launch into
space in 1957. Little did they realise that the Pluto orbiting the Sun was in
fact a planet.
The USSR soon caught up in 1961 when they sent Yuri Gagarin into space. When he
got there he found dog shit all over the place. Not satisfied with this, in 1968
the Soviets decided to send up some turtles to orbit around the moon, clearly man's
best friend couldn't be trusted not to crap all over such an epic mission.
Meanwhile in America, home of the brave, land of the free, and later home and land of
George W. Bush, John F'n Kennedy had vowed never again to be humiliated by our doggie
or commie foes and promised to put a man on the moon by the end of the 60's. Yes
the 60's were crazy, but man he must have been really stoned.
Whilst most people remember Neil Armstrong's famous first words, "One small step for
man..." fewer folks remember Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon's first words,
"It appears not to be made of cheese, Neil." Even more forgotten is the man
who was supposed to be third on the moon, Michael Collins, who pussied out and stayed
on the orbiter because he was scared of moon monsters.
Lance Armstrong was the first man to win the Tour de Moon seven times with only one ball.
He didn't want to wear his space suit's helmet, but insisted on wearing a sponsored
baseball cap. NASA officials spent hours trying to convince him that he would
have to wear the helmet and even sent monkeys out first and let him watch them
die. It turned out the reason he didn't want to wear it was because he, "had
breath like a boxer's arse crack."
In his first state of the union speech after being re-elected, President Bush announced
that in coming years it was NASA's aim to put a man on Mars. Osama Bin Laden to
be specific. However once again man has been shamed, this time by some cheeky
robots who got there first and now keep sending us back their holiday snaps. The
British robot, Jermey Beadle 2, had previously attempted the mission, but failed because
it was British.
Why not celebrate the moon landing by mooning out the window at someone.
Drop us a line and let us know how that works out for you
space-monkeys@randomshite.co.uk
