New Year's Resolutions
So 2006
is here and we've all made our resolutions. Mavis is trying to break free from her addiction
to altar wine, Bob is aiming to be able to stretch her skin around her body 9 times and Sadie has
vowed this is the year she will finally extend her Stannah stair lift to reach from the sofa to
the toilet so she need never get off her ass. Have a look at what some other people have
made as their new year's resolutions.
Ariel Sharon
Fewer strokes and to finally end the war between Ariel and Daz by killing Shane Ritchie and Danny Baker.
Dick Cheney
Get out of Iraq so he can spread liberty somewhere else. War HUH!! What is it good for? Profits.
Jimmy Carr
Finally convince Channel 4 to launch much anticipated Carr4. And to continue to look smug.
Jonafon Woss
Will see if he can actually get his head up one of his guest's arses.
Jude Law
To try not to insert his penis into new nanny.
JK Rowling
Kill that fucking Harry Potter character and write a real fucking book.
David Beckham
Finally get around to completing his PhD work on the modification of human cells as a means of tackling hereditary genetic disorders.
Des Lynam
More Viagra, the ladies at his new job are wearing him out.
Al Fayed
To sell sea shells by the sea shore.*
*Marked up 500%
Menzies Campbell
Will explain how z is g.
Captain Planet
After years of struggle finally take pollution down to zero.
Send your resolutions to how-about-a-diet-you-fat-bastard@randomshite.co.uk
