New Maze Stadium

So the Brits are imposing a stupid decision on us once again by deciding to build the new sports stadium at the Maze site. We thought we would present a few facts so you could make up your own mind about the new stadium, or "Empty Bowl" as it will be called.

There will be no roads or pathways to the site, fans will be required to tunnel their way in.
Tickets will cost you two boxes of fags and a wrap.
Northern Ireland equality laws mean that the grass will not be cut but will be free to grow as tall as it wants, until marching season when a route will be trampled through it. Also, a more neutral colour than green will be chosen.
A running track will be built that is just like the old exercise yard where the On The Runs used to practice running from the cops. It won't be a circuit like a normal track, but instead will lead to Donegal.
Fans will have to leave games half way through on early release.
There will not be the usual coin toss at the beginning of games, rather there will be weeks of stand off negotiations through intermediaries before it is all called off.
As part of the inter-sporting nature of the stadium the pitch will be two acres in size, because as well as football, gaelic and rugby, it now has to accommodate a 9 hole pitch and putt.
As part of a compromise, Lisburn will be moved to a new site in Ormeau Park. It will be named New Lisburn and will be subject to 50 years of Buckfast fuelled fighting between the "Spides" of Old Belfast and the Lisburn "Culchies".
Old Lisburn will then be put to a better use. Landfill.

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