30 Days in Advent
Amazingly and unexplainably I have escaped from February
despite it not having 30 days. Rumours that I ate my way out remain unproven hearsay.
In this festive season I have decided that my latest challenge will be to spend 30 days in
advent. Let the fun begin!
| Day 1: | This should be easy - looking forward to burgers and turkey for Christmas. |
| Day 5: | Was going to have a wank today but I thought Santa might find out and I have to be a good boy or I won't get all the burgers I want for Christmas. |
| Day 9: | Trimmed Gordon today. Gordon is my ‘tache. He's an actual person. I'm not mad, I just haven’t eaten a real meal in sooo long. |
| Day 11: | Go and boke in a car park for old time’s sake. |
| Day 15: | Thought I'd go into town and get a Christmas tree. Got a great big fucking massive one but when I got home, my wife told me to take it back because it was too big and a disgrace that a beautiful tree had to die for such a terrible reason. She really gets on my baps sometimes - speaking of baps, I got a burger while I was leaving the tree back. And by back I mean in a ditch. |
| Day 16: | Realised the pointlessness of everything I do, got depressed, started drinking. |
| Day 17: | Woke up beside Shannon Doherty. Fuck, what did I do yesterday? And why? If only I had thought of recording some of my thoughts. |
| Day 19: | Got kicked out of my Village People tribute band for refusing to get into the communal shower. Those guys are so gay sometimes. |
| Day 23: | My wife told me all about our forthcoming Christmas dinner. It’s all fucking peas, lentils and soup. Not a fucking burger or turkey to be seen. I had to kill her after that. At least I'll eat better on Christmas day. |
| Day 24: | Thought I should get rid of the body, they tend to be incriminating, so I carried it out to the back yard with the intention of burying it, but the fucker was so light and leafy that it actually blew away. Job done. Had a burger to celebrate – superfucking sized!! |
| Day 25: | Realised I’m not married and everything I’ve been doing was all because I’m an
escaped mentalist. Back in the asylum now. Good to see you again. BUUURRP!
|
Merry Christmas burger fans
jingle-burgers@randomshite.co.uk.
