MP Expenses Scandal – The Parochial View
The local media absolutely love to get their lazy blunt teeth into the local angle of any national or international news story, no
matter how fucking tenuous the link. In just the past few days, in the biggest
news story to hit Portglenone since some turf
fell out of John-Pat's link-box in '89, the local department of health held a news conference about swine flu.
In the news reports that followed, the BBC's Marie-Louise Connolly was clearly seen standing in a pool of her own urine as she had
literally pissed herself with excitement at the prospects that a local person had the
Pork AIDS. The local media will surely milk this manna from heaven for weeks.
The other news that you just might have caught lately is that MPs are
bastards.
Quite frankly though, the chances of any of our 18 MPs being slung out at the next election because of their bastardness is precisely a big
fat 0%. The Robinsons
could easily claim £100,000 per day, for eating Bengal tiger burgers and red panda sandwiches served on plates made of unicorn ivory, but the fine
constituents of East Belfast and Strangford would still come out in their droves to return them. Well done us, what a fine democracy we have.
So since it makes no difference what our local bastards do, instead we're going to look at bastards from the motherland who have a local angle.
Get your torches and pitchforks ready...
Shaun Woodward
The current NI secretary is married to the Sainsbury's supermarket chain. He doesn't currently get a
ministerial salary because Gordon Brown doesn't recognise NI as part of the UK so won't pay for it. Woody
claimed for Jamie Oliver on his expenses as well as £100,000 for a mortgage on a £1.35m flat despite already having
6 houses of his own – but the real scandal is that he bought a £1.06 pizza from Asda, consequently his wife is
making him sleep on one of their 38 sofas.
Peter Mandelson
Mandy used to be NI secretary (Mandy used to be a lot of things). Before his mate Tony sent him off to
Europe, Mandy claimed some money for tarting up his house before selling it on at a profit. Quite frankly this
is the least corrupt thing that Mandy has ever done and people should get off his fucking back about it.
Paul Murphy
The former NI secretary claimed three grand to fix a boiler that was too hot. He also demanded his money
back for several hookers that he claimed were "not hot enough".
Tony Blair
The man who finally brought peace to Ireland claimed for flight tickets to Washington, condoms, lube and a dog
leash.
Paul Goggins
Paul Goggins, who makes Shaun Woodward's tea, spent £1359.58 on Postman Pat books.
Maria Eagle
Maria Eagle, who used to make Peter Hain's tea, claimed for two of everything as she apparently has "a twin",
although she did buy a lot of mirrors out of her own pocket to create that effect.
Keith Vaz
Keith Vaz has nothing to do with NI. But he is a cunt.
Lembit Opik
The former Lib Dem spokesman on NI claimed £40 for court costs relating to him not paying his council tax.
Other questionable receipts included a weather map and gold spangly hotpants. Mr Opik claims these were vital tools
for mapping asteroids headed for earth. The Daily Telegraph claims the tax-payer was footing the bill for him
"mapping his erection".
Andrew Mackay
David Cameron's bum-boy was shadow NI secretary for 4 whole years, and what a memorable contribution he made.
In case you don't know him, he's best described as being like Peter Mandelson, but without the charm. Personally
we always thought he came across like a creepy slimebag – and now we have empirical evidence. He and his MP wife
claimed mortgages for 17 houses, 4 of which were on the moon.
Kate Hoey
Jordanstown's most famous PE pupil claimed £27 for a wheelbarrow, and a further £68,871 to fill it full of "smug".
More to follow – we're looking at you, Peter Hain.
that-tan-cant-have-been-cheap@randomshite.co.uk
