Maze 2012

Opening Ceremony

The beautiful opening ceremony will be a display of the cultural diversity of all of the people of Northern Ireland, Protestant, Catholic and Foreigners.  The Olympic Petrol Bomb replaces the frankly out-dated Olympic torch.  It will be carried around the globe until finishing its journey passing from Pamela Ballentine to Julian Simmons who will smash it against the Olympic PSNI Landrover where it will burn throughout the games.  A beacon of hope indeed.

At the closing ceremony the Fire Brigade will be called to extinguish the Olympic Landrover, where the crowd will have the chance to pelt them with stones.  Should any of them be injured, an ambulance will be called and it too will be pelted with stones.

Olympic Village

A purpose built Olympic Village is at the heart of every games and Maze 2012 will be no exception!  Purpose built in the 70's to house, um, Olympians, HMP The Maze is certainly an Olympic village like no other!  All facilities are on site and easily accessible from Belfast city centre, where of course everyone in Northern Ireland lives.

Transport won't be a problem either.  Belfast's fleet of friendly, efficient and cheap black taxis will ferry visitors and athletes wherever they need to go.  A Translink Metro link will also provide a cheap and frequent service.  Correct change only.  I wouldn't bother during rush hour.

The athletes, coaches and hangers on from each country will of course be segregated from each other in the Olympic Village for fear they may batter each other to death.  In addition athletes from China will probably be petrol bombed in the middle of the night.  Just the kind of warm welcome we like to give our foreign friends.

Drugs testing will not be mandatory at all.  In fact, in keeping with the Maze tradition drugs will be freely available for one and all!

Special Events

To add some much needed excitement to the games, some events will be modified to add a special local flavour to the proceedings.  As anyone who's ever eaten a pastie bap knows, local flavours make everything better.  And fatter.

The first special event will put those Greek fools to shame.  Due to popular demand, the marathon will be renamed the snickers.  It will run for 26 miles of peanutty goodness and take in all the sights and sounds of Norn Iron.

The race will start with cheering crowds at Holy Cross Primary School, with the starting pistol replaced with a pipe bomb tossed towards the runners.  The magnificent course will then end with a spectacular stand-off at the bridge at Drumcree with a lovely barbed wire finishing line.

Other special events will include pole-vaulting over the perimeter fence, the fried egg and spoon race and beach volleyball at the port!  For the shooting events, the competitors will have to smuggle in their own guns, and in a special twist the batons in all relay races will be replaced with digging equipment.

Olympic Stadium

All the Olympic events will take place in half full stadiums built especially for the games.  An aquatic centre, velodrome, purpose built marina, equestrian centre, gymnastics venue, hockey, tennis, and football stadiums will all be built and then left abandoned and disused for future generations.

During the games a strict door policy will operate at all venues - no trainers or sports gear allowed.  And bring I.D.