Maximise Your Jargoning Envelope
Office jargon/talking utter bullshit appears to be facing a bit of a
slagging recently. We thought we would
enlighten you with a few of our own favourite phrases and what they mean. You might want to use them to
replace your own worn out ones that make your colleagues want to slap you upside your face when you utter them,
you insufferable tit.
Most of these are regularly used about the old Random Shite offices, except, "I wish you’d go to the toilet and do that," which is technically a statement of fact rather than jargon.
Expand Your Horizons:
Surfing sites other than the BBC website for stories that others might not have heard, in order to make yourself look intelligent or well informed.
Maximising Output:
Making sure you always shit at work to save money on toilet roll and waste time at work.
Technical Appraisal:
Telling someone their work is shit in great detail.
Putting It To Bed:
Not sleeping on the fucking sofa.
Research:
Google.
Gardening Leave:
You leave home in the morning and your garden is overgrown and looks like shit. Then you leave work, get back, and your garden is still overgrown and still looks like shit.
Flexi-time:
Arrive late with a hangover and leave early to go to the pub.
Brown Sky Thinking:
If you throw enough shit ideas, one of them is bound to stick.
Technical Support:
Ctrl+Alt+Del
Pick Up The Bitches:
Collect your valued employees.
Interfacing:
Trying to get off with someone who could get you a promotion.
Working Lunch:
Free lunch.
Substantial Foreign Investment:
Substantial Invest NI subsidy.
Best Practice:
What you are meant to do, but not what you actually do.
Working From Home:
Went out last night to avoid a fight at home, slept on the sofa now too hungover to go in.
Mountain Of Paperwork:
I found a really good flash game online.
Downturn:
When you check Random Shite and the fuckers still haven't put up a new page.
Downsizing:
Pack your belongs, you're sacked.
Restructuring:
Your mate was just sacked so now you have to do two jobs for less money.
Consultation:
We've made up our minds - now let's tell the plebs what options we had.
There, now you that you are re-enfranchised you can
go optimise your pro-activism or something
work-shy-bastards@randomshite.co.uk
