Mavis Goes Into Rehab
So it has finally happened. We woke up yesterday to find Mavis snoring in a pool
of her own vomit and beside her was the wrapper of the last pack of custard creams.
We knew when she started injecting them into her left nipple that her addiction had gone
too far, so we've packed her off the Betty Ford Sierra Clinic for a bit of rehab, well,
really it’s to give the biscuit people more time to create more custard cream from their
secret ingredients, elephant sperm and nicotine.
She’ll be sending in regular reports on who's banging who and who's snorting who's whatsit
in celebrity land over the next month. (First report on Mel Gibbon coming soon!)
We've known about Mavis's problem for a while, but frankly we're fucking senile and we
can’t remember shit from day to day unless we leave yellow Post-it notes everywhere round
the house, but Sadie tends to roll them up for when she's snortin... sorry, we digress.
Mavis' has had this addiction ever since she went on tour with Led Zeppelin in 1973,
her and the lads in the band, or as she referred to the "shirt lifting hippy bastards",
had a running competition to see who could eat the most custard creams in a month.
The four in the band ate 6 packets between them; Mavis ate 38,514 packets, a litter of
puppies, 4 boxes of industrial cleaning powder and an ice-lolly.
She's been going on benders once a year since then, usually with Terry Nutkins and once
with Jimmy Saville (apparently that’s when he began to shake and say, "Now then, now
then"). But we're fucking done with it now, no more can we wake up in our own pool
of piss to find her upside down in the sink with a biscuit shoved up her arse, NO
MORE. So off to rehab with her. She'll be sharing a room with Eddie Murphy
who is trying to wean himself off his addiction to making shite films.
In the meantime we needed someone to shovel our shit and steal us drink from the kids
in the park, so we've drafted in Mavis's
Cousin Vera, who is a strange motherfucker to
say the least.
Send all your love and support and money, especially send money, to
get-well-soon-mavis@randomshite.co.uk
