Mavis Escapes From Betty Ford Clinic

Unfortunately we have the displeasure of having to announce to you that earlier in the week Mavis escaped from the Betty Ford clinic, where she was being treated for her addiction, and is now on the loose.  Police say she was assisted in her breakout by the actor who played MacGyver, who was being treated for his compulsive use of chewing gum wrappers to disarm security systems syndrome.  It is believed that he used chewing gum wrappers to disarm the security system.

We've been looking for her at all her old haunts – Bob Geldof’s coal bunker, around the bins at the back of Stringfellow's and walking the streets behind City Hall.   She could be anywhere and we are appealing for vigilant shite fans to be on the lookout for a randy octogenarian covered in custard cream crumbs.  If you see anyone fitting this description outside a chapel selling fake holy water that smells suspiciously like a urinal, then stay well away and phone the bomb squad.

Betty Ford's have alerted us that her condition may have been upgraded to a Grade 5 Jammy Dodger emergency, so be extremely cautious with biscuit storage in your homes and places of work.  Store them in high cupboards, so even if she does get up to them, she'll probably break her hip on the way down and finally we might all be safe.

God help you Mavis! God help all of us!!

If you spot Mavis and don't know the phone number for the bomb squad, email us at
i-found-mavis@randomshite.co.uk.