Like A Virgin

Madonna's career has been a rollercoaster, from her early fun days, through her "getting bucked" coffee table book, to her reinvention as a wrinkly old bitch in kids clothes, but her next plan is her most ambitious yet.  She wants to be bigger than Bono.

Most people are happy to throw Trócaire 20 quid to buy a goat for some village in Ungobongo, but no, Madge has to fly out there and emancipate a poor orphan who's suffering, no matter how great, will never be as great as the suffering of anyone who has ever sat through a Guy Richie movie.

However, like a virgin, Madonna's move closely reflects the experience of her namesake, in that she now has a child that didn't involve her having sex.  We can only assume Guy is as big a flop in bed as he is at doing movies.

She has also named her children along religious themes with close links to Mary, they are called Lourdes, Medjugorje and it is thought she will rename her latest one Knock.  This is another blow for Guy who wanted all three to be named Vinnie.

We anticipate on her next world tour she will ditch the whole crucifix dancing shenanigans in favour of riding a donkey onto the stage while wearing a blue veil (if Jack Straw lets her).  If a donkey isn't available, Guy can always lend her the dead horse known as his career which he has been desperately flogging for the last six years.

If you would like to help an orphan, you could send your donations to
orphan-appeal@randomshite.co.uk, or you could send it to
someone trustworthy who won't spend it on meth.