Lifestyle Tips
Now that the last of the beer from over Christmas has probably left your system, it’s
about time you got your life together and maybe put some of those new year’s resolution
into action. No not the one about a threesome – that ain’t happening bucko – try
the one about getting fit you lazy fat fuck! And who better to help you on your
way than us. We’re old and not dead yet, so just follow our lifestyle guide and
you'll be fitter, healthier, happier, and smugger.
1. Instead of taking the bus to work or college or the dole
office, why not drive? You get to work out your feet on the pedals, your arms
on the wheel and gear-stick, and your vocal cords on the stupid bastards around you
who can't drive – it’s an all over body workout. In addition the noxious fumes
you pump into the atmosphere will make everyone who’s out walking less healthy, ergo
your level of heath improves relative to theirs. Plus the extra heat from global
warming will help you sweat out a few bargain buckets.
2. If you do choose to go to the gym, you’ll need some
motivation to keep going back. So be sure to pick one that has some fine beatches
to look at while you struggle on the Stairmaster.
3. Everyone knows smoking joints is bad for you, all those
calories you stuff in your face when you get the munchies soon add up. We recommend
changing to crystal meth. You can cook up your own at home and okay, your gums will
dissolve and your teeth will fall out, but you’re hardly a picture of beauty right now,
are you?
4. Driving alone - Everyone knows that it is distractions when
driving which lead to fatal road accidents, we've all seen the ads. Whether it be
talking on a mobile, or chicks staring at their own tits, it always leads to
disaster. You shouldn’t have any distractions at all when driving, so
don’t let anyone into your car, because they will inevitably start yapping about
something and you will crash, probably on purpose to shut them up.
5. Stop Running. Most doctors recommend running, but
then again most doctors think evolution is real, the idiots. When God designed
man in this fashion, and he did, he gave them hearts, and when you run you put
unnecessary pressure on your heart, which causes death, or at least illness,
which makes you pray to God more to fix you, which gives him less time to help
people who are praying for stupid shit, which is what God is all about.
6. Alcohol is a well known disinfectant. Dr. J. Daniels
of the Tennessee Institute of Self Medication recommends that by doubling your alcohol
intake you will kill twice as many bugs and germs, thus staying healthy through the winter
weather. Alcohol is also a fuel and an excellent source of energy, so a good dose
every morning will keep you going through the rest of the day.
*Disclaimer* Random Shite is in no way responsible for any negative effects of following
this plan, and that includes death.
disclaimer@randomshite.co.uk
