Killing Masterclass
Hello and welcome to the Random Shite killing masterclass. Death is part of nature’s cycle, but sometimes people are ballbags and nature needs a helping hand, so we have three very special guests here today to tell you all you need to know about killing someone and how to do it properly. Okay, we’ve just been informed our third guest can’t make it as he appears to be stuck in a door.
Rimidalv Nitup
Hello, I'm Rimidalv Nitup, ex-KGB man of the people. You like my disguise? I
thought so.
You know sometimes when you have to kill someone you can't just shoot
them in face – it gets messy and so, so many question. You must be more subtle,
perhaps make it look like they accidentally consume deadly amount of rare radioactive
metal. You know, shits happen.
So let us say you want to kill some one, I will now reveal my years of KGB know-how
about how to kill person, just for you. You thank me later. You thank me later
or I kill you.
- Make them run with scissors.
- Video killed the radio star, maybe it do some killing for you.
- Hide their coat, they catch their death of cold.
- Curiosity. (Only works if you want to kill a cat)
- To kill old person, work your way up to chancellor, cancel winter fuel payments, old person die of cold. Many other die also, but shits happen. (Vote Tory also achieve such outcome, but much less palatable)
- I also was making sure the children in your country would get fat like elephants by feeding them crap, then they die young and can’t run when I try to kill them with garden rake, but Jamie Oliver has foiled my plan. Now I must kill him by inserting vegetable into his ass.
OJ Simpson
Hello I’m OJ Simpson, famous murd footballer. I will now
review some murders and discuss how I would have killed them, if I had killed
them. But I didn't. You can't prove nothing.
- Trotsky - I would have brought him out to dinner, in a busy restaurant, then used my samurai sword to chop all his limbs off, after the starter and main meal of course, but before dessert. Fuckin' commies.
- And by the way Rimidalv, if that’s your real name, curiosity is no way to kill anything, a fucking chainsaw is the best way to kill a cat. Also the radio star – I wouldn't have used video, it would have left too much incriminating evidence and would probably have ended up on YouTube. I would have used a big fucking knife.
- Jesus – crucifixion is a lot of hassle, but a total waste of time on someone who's only going to resurrect themselves. I wouldn't bother, I'd just kill my wife instead. Not that I did, obviously. With a big knife.
- Bill - Believe me, I would have finished off that dude in 30 minutes, none of this two film crap.
If you take advantage of any of these tips, please don't tell us
incitement@randomshite.co.uk
