Keith Burnside’s Swine Busters
Where is a hero when you need one? We need a hero... we have a hero... we’ve got Keith Burnside! Did you think
he was going to sit back and let pork AIDS destroy the planet? No way bucko.
For two decades he found the thieves of power-washers and brought them to justice, he recovered stolen trailers and angle-grinders,
he didn’t sleep until every last quad bike was returned to its rightful owner, he fought criminals the length and breadth of Northern
Ireland, from Lurgan to Portadown, from Craigavon to, er, Lurgan – no criminal was safe from Burnside Justice.
Burnside has spent the last week trawling the face of the Earth to assemble a team of fearless warriors who aren’t afraid to cross the
beams when the time comes! So ladies, gentlemen and pig-folk, it is without further ado that we present, in descending order of penis
size, Keith Burnside’s Swine Busters!
Clare "Not Balding" Balding
Like the ultimate Catchphrase champion she says what she sees, and this pig flu really fucks her off.
She's armed with a legion of jockeys which she isn't afraid to throw.
McIntyre
McIntyre likes to investigate. He once investigated a sausage factory, so he knows all about swine, in fact pigs haunt his
every waking moment and all he can dream is "this little piggy went to market".
He once tried to investigate inside his own
head, but the camera wouldn't fit in his ear. But don't invite him round for tea. You think he's joking when he says
he's going to investigate your shit, then you find him with his hand stuck in your u-bend.
Danny Dyer
Danny’s an angry young man, angry because when he was young he got trapped in a city farm on his own one day. He wasn’t visiting,
he was on the rob with his mates who were stealing hens to order. After getting lost he had to spend the night sleeping with the
pigs, and he has never forgiven the pigs who "snouted" him all night. He claims they'll be sleeping with the fishes when he gets his
revenge.
Incidentally he also spent one night sleeping with the fishes himself when he got lost while on the rob with his mates
who were stealing eels to order.
Ross Kemp
With his SAS training, Kemp is the perfect person to hide behind everyone else with a camera. Ross comes to this war as the lesser
known third Kemp brother from Spandau Ballet, who was kicked out just before their first appearance on Top Of The Pops. They
replaced him on keyboards with a pig.
This time it's personal.
If you think Balding has horse flu - email
oink-oink@randomshite.co.uk
