Jimmy Cricket's Guide to Cricket
The
question most people ask me is, "Jimmy, I was so bored the other day I actually watched cricket on the TV but I
find it awfully confusing. Can you tell me anything about it?" Actually that's not true. Most
people ask me how in the name of God I ever got on TV, but I don't know the answer to that one. In fact I know
nothing about cricket either but I'll give it a go.
The best thing about cricket is you get to stop for lunch and afternoon tea, fucking class!! What other sports
do you get to stop for tea? Man those cricket dudes know how to have fun.
Then there's draws. No one knows how two teams with completely different numbers in their scores can possibly
draw. And that's the way those bastards at the ICC want it to stay.
The most
famous cricketer ever is Ian Botham, the inventor of Shredded Wheat. He got the nickname "Beefy Botham"
purely because Beefy starts with a 'B' and he didn't like being called Bummy Botham.
The current
wild boy of cricket is Shane Warne. Best known for something to do with drugs, bookies and off field
shenanigans, he can single handedly dish out an ass whoopin' to any England team that stands in the way of him getting
to the bar.
Most people will have heard of The Ashes. First played on an Ash Wednesday between England and Australia, it is
played over the course of several weeks, eventually ending when England are defeated.
During the course of a game you're likely to hear a few unfamiliar terms. A googly is where you fuck the ball as
hard as you can at the batter's googlies in order to take him out of the game. An in swing is where the batter
surreptitiously tucks back his googlies without the bowler noticing, inviting a googly. If the bowler obliges
he's said to be caught out, because the crown jewels were out of harms way and the bowler's wasted a shot.
C'mere there's more.. Overs. How many times can a match be over? It's never fucking over. It lasts
all day, for day after day, sometimes it goes on for so long it runs over Hollyoaks. Now that really upsets me.
Hopefully that's cleared things up. If you have any comments why not email
shite-before-wicket@randomshite.co.uk
