Investors In Shite

We hereby award the Random Shite Investor In Shite award to ITV Football, for numerous outstanding contributions to the world of shite...

Ever since Big Ron left, ITV no longer talks tactics - the lollipop, early doors, put it in the mixer, coons - they just have no one who can provide such solid technical nuances and expert opinion.

Blandness personified is one way of describing their World Cup coverage.  ITV News refused to cover the story of a man who actually gouged out his own eyeballs and removed his eardrums with a plastic spoon when he was forced to watch Gareth South-of-boring-gate and Robbie Pearle-necklace ranting on about an innocuous challenge.  The man then ate the parts he removed, but the images and sounds were ingrained so hard into his eyes and ears that they began to burn his stomach.  When Jim Rosenthal spoke the man burst into flames.

What roll call of blithering idiots they have to spew punditry at us like a choir of rectums lined up and ready to unload their insipid diarrhoea.  There is of course their permanent clown in residence, Terry Venables, and the ridiculous Dutch duo of Ruud Gullit, who couldn’t be less insightful if he had a full frontal lobotomy, he doesn't even say "Sexuy footbyall" any more to give us a laugh and Jimmy Floyd Hasselhoff, who doesn't even speak English.  Did ITV get these guys cheap down the market two-for-one?  Even Des jumped ship for Countdown.  Fucking Countdown!

The one pleasure ITV do give us, is when Ally McCoist and Andy Townsend stand like two erect pricks at their pitch-side cocktail bar, just close enough to the general public so that they can shout "WANKERS" at them as they try to keep a straight face while Gabby laughs at them from her perch in the studio.

But what makes ITV's presentation style so undeniably ITV?  Is it the bastardised David Bowie theme tune?  Perhaps it's the studio décor that looks like a French man's pants?  No.  What makes ITV is the montage!  Everything has a montage, check it out - after introducing who's playing and slipping in a quick England reference, straight to montage.  In fact bookies have now closed their books and are no longer taking bets on whether ITV will be the first TV channel to do a montage of their best montage moments.

As if montage city wasn't enough of a visual ballbag, there's the pre-match line-up.  They show us the team names and helpfully tell us who's on a yellow card from previous games by putting a yellow triangle beside people on a yellow card and a yellow triangle beside people not on a yellow card.  Fucking genius!

Then there's the Budweiser adverts.  Sweet baby Jesus... what anus at Anheuser Busch shat out that idea?  No doubt sales of the pish will have went down 120% as people are actually bringing it back to the shops looking for a refund.  We can't wait for the World Series in America when Harp will no doubt be running their "Your national game sucks balls – drink Harp" campaign.

There is but one redeeming feature to the coverage, thy name is Gabby.  Her father may have been a shite football manager, but Gabby's knowledge of the game is better than the rest of the presenters put together, and she still knows fuck all.  Gabby has shown that she can quickly change outfit at half time without letting Ally sneak a peek and she can always manage to sleep with her eyes open during the half time analysis.  Gabby, you're wasted on football, so feck off back to gymnastics.

There is one feature of ITV’s coverage we couldn’t live without though, that little red interactive button on your remote that lets you mute the sound and gets rid of the picture.  Unmissable.