In Other News

Sunday 27/4/08

• Chris Buckler, you might be on the big TV now, but you're still a cock.

Tuesday 22/4/08

• Someone tell the BBC how to type €.

Monday 21/4/08

• Today is officially the National Day of Fucking Tedium.

Thursday 27/3/08

• Last time he pulled out was because he thought he heard Hillary coming into the oval office.

Thursday 13/3/08

• Budget Analysis:
  “Who is the budget going to hid hardest?” is the question on everybody’s lips.  The answer is clearly drink drivers.

Wednesday 12/3/08

• Aparently today is no smoking day again.  Our lordyness Big Shaun has of course been a big fan of not smoking for a long time.

Monday 10/3/08

• Someone should tell the journo who wrote this that by putting "taken care of" in inverted commas, it seems that the Ledgers are a mafia family who intend killing the ugly Dawson's Crack bitch.  They also shouldn’t have used a preposition to end a sentence with.

Thursday 6/3/08

• This is rubbish value for money - if someone wants to bung us a fiver, you can stick whatever you want on our front page.

Wednesday 5/3/08

• You can tell you're a culchie when...

Wednesday 20/2/08

• Note to Translink – it would be much appreciated if Lily Allen was under one of your buses rather than on the side.

Monday 18/2/08

• The battle between Sony’s Blu-ray and Toshiba’s HD-DVD was won purely due to the coolness and rememberability of Blu-ray.  If HD-DVD had been called “Sex-Laser 3000” it would have won.  If your company would like to benefit from the magic of the Random Shite marketing department, do get in touch.

Thursday 14/2/08

• Want to make your lover's pussy wet / cock hard this Valentine's day?  Of course you do.  So you should probably get them a card like one form our collection.

Wednesday 13/2/08

• Paying Tim McGarry for the end of Hearts & Minds is really fucking expensive.

Wednesday 6/2/08

• They went far to get that story and photo.  What next, stories about milk in the BBC fridge?

Monday 4/2/08

• Only an Irish event would have such a name.  Judging by Roman Sebrle’s face, he has a “woodie”.

Sunday 3/2/08

• Is OB a plant too?  Seriously, an actual plant with the actual acting ability of an actual plant.

Friday 1/2/08

• Such sloppy writing.  He's called Daniel, not Tearful.

Tuesday 16/1/08

• I think this country is going to get hit hard by viruses such as these more often.  Especially with the increasing population of unhygienic immigrants entering this country.  This country is at bursting point.
  

  Toby C, London, (you go girl!)

Wednesday 12/12/07

• Still investing in shite we see.

Wednesday 12/12/07

• Still investing in shite we see.

Monday 3/12/07

• We might or might not be doing an advent calendar, if we do, we reassure you it will be disappointingly shite.  While we mull over our intentions with a bottle of Tesco’s own brand gin, you can amuse yourselves with 2005’s effort.

Sunday 2/12/07

• Well, you can't spell Titus without tit.

Wednesday 28/11/07

• You couldn't make this shit up.

Monday 26/11/07

• This just in: Dick Cheney has a heart.

Tuesday 20/11/07

• "Agitated", yeah that’s the word you would expect to describe someone who's just been in a car crash.

Monday 19/11/07

• Due to some inclement weather and inclement spilling drink over our 1980’s era computing machinery, things went a bit tits up.  Normal service will be resumed shorty.  Normal service will still be shite though.

Wednesday 31/10/07

• Well don't use the fucking media then to complain about media attention you stupid horrible whore.

Monday 29/10/07

• Sorry for any confusion today with the beer clock.  Bob forgot to account for Anglo-Saxon Summer Time ending.

Saturday 27/10/07

• What John Terry has to say about chefs in football:
  

  Luca Vialli was the first man to bring it in at Chelsea.  He brought in an Italian chef who's still there now - Nick.  First of all the players were all, 'Oh, I can't eat this pasta - what's this all about?'  We'd never seen it or tasted it.

Tuesday 16/10/07

• Emerson - dress up for the TV.
• Probably like listening to a Wings album.

Wednesday 10/10/07

• Some things change and some things stay the same.

Tuesday 9/10/07

• Well this is a tad bizarre.

Sunday 7/10/07

• More fun on Wikipedia, this time Andytown.

Saturday 6/10/07

• He he he... “Pippo Inzaghi is a complete waste of space; and Dida is an opportunistic, cheating, duplicitous, cheating, disingenuous, cheating, lying, cheating, deceitful, cheating, disgraceful, cheating, dishonest, cheating cheat who should be thrown out of football.”

Thursday 27/9/07

• Thief.

Saturday 22/9/07

• Hilarious Wikipedia entry about Ronan O'Gara's intercourse techniques.

Tuesday 18/9/07

• "Laced with additives" - oooooohh evil drug dealers, now they’re adding bad stuff to drugs.

Tuesday 11/9/07

• This excerpt from Jim Davidson's Wikipedia page is all you need to know about him:
  

  In December 2006, Davidson was embarrassed by a 15-year-old boy who heckled him during a performance of his pantomime Dick Whittington in Kent.  Reportedly, Davidson came on stage at the Orchard Theatre in Dartford, delivering the scripted line, "Do you know who I am?” The boy, a Scout in full uniform, loudly replied, "Yes, you’re a fucking wanker."

Sunday 9/9/07

• Loyd Grossman shits all over Uncle Ben.

Tuesday 4/9/07

• Our Guestbook *might* be fixed.

Wednesday 29/8/07

• Happy Faradayday.

Monday 27/8/07

• What the fuck have they done to Ready Steady Cook?

Saturday 18/8/07

• “He has his brother’s characteristics”, aye, he’s a fat, ugly fuck.

Monday 13/8/07

• If you haven't heard about the big international mooning incident, you're missing out.  It's here and here.  Also his Bebo site if you're into that sort of moronic crap.
• What a name.

Saturday 11/8/07

• Listen here you fucking bastards, we had this idea three years ago but it never got off the ground because the British Council wouldn't fund us.  They still refuse to fund Random Shite, despite our best efforts.  Write to them now and tell them they're stupid and wrong.

Thursday 9/8/07

• With a quarter of a million hits now, you'd think we'd make a bit of an effort.

Thursday 19/7/07

• Here lads, play by the rules.  If Trimble gets a Nobel peace prize, then McGuinness gets one of these too.

Tuesday 17/7/07

• They're fucking at it again!  What's an iMadonna.
  Breaking News: RTÉ fix their balls ups, ÚTV don't care.

Monday 16/7/07

• Apple-speak is getting everywhere, what's an iHeld?

Wednesday 11/7/07

• They're spending it all on fancy printers.

Thursday 28/6/07

• Sorry Mrs. Saunders, your crapper looks like it was probably cleaned by the flood if anything.

Monday 11/6/07

• Dry your eyes, lad.  You aren't Pele.  Are they going after every other cunt who was turned away and apologising to them?

Thursday 7/6/07

• Jon Bon Jovi is a cock.  That goes without saying, but he's somehow managed to increase his cockness here.

Wednesday 6/6/07

• Anyone hungry?

Monday 29/5/07

• Fuck the swans Devenport.

Sunday 28/5/07

• Apparently 12 degrees is "bitterly cold".

Wednesday 16/5/07

• Some top quality phrase invention here from the Guardian, "token clown" Titus Bramble.  Genius.

Sunday 6/5/07

• Can everyone who never used to go out in the Cathedral Quarter please fuck off back to wherever it is you were before.

Thursday 26/4/07

• It doesn't say how far underwater they can go.

Monday 23/4/07

• The Green Party want you to live on the streets.
• Also, Samantha Pedder you got all you deserved you stupid bitch.
  The fucking Beeb have since removed all evidence of Pedder's stupidity - censoring communist bastards!!!  The people have a right to know!!  This is what the original page said...
  

  Samantha Pedder, 37, from Saffron Walden, told Panorama: "I've spent near on £1,000, but you think, 'Well I'm in with a chance'.

Tuesday 17/4/07

• Bacon and red wine is the perfect meal then.

Tuesday 10/4/07

• Note to Carlton Palmer, don't shout Jesus Christ on TV.

Wednesday 4/4/07

• Stephen Nolan boaking his ring up and shoveling shite - how much is a TV license?

Monday 2/4/07

• April Fool!!!  We didn't mean a word of it, fuck you Schofield.

Sunday 1/4/07

• Happy birthday Phillip Schofield.

Monday 26/3/07

• Yes, the players are behind you with knives.

Monday 19/3/07

• Hope you all got your mothers cards for Mother's Day.

Friday 16/3/07

• Well it's almost that time of the year again when we show the rest of Europe why we're number one!!  Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Tuesday 13/3/07

• "The moment has come for me to serve you in a different way," Chirac said.  Serve time for being incredibly corrupt when he was mayor of Paris perhaps?

Thursday 8/3/07

• Live election coverage HERE!!
• Did you vote for Bob The Loser McCartney?  If so we'd like to hear from you - email us at cottageindustries@randomshite.co.uk.

Tuesday 6/3/07

• At this election, just like the last one, we are encouraging you to vote for shite.

Tuesday 27/2/07

• And now let us bow our heads and thank Jesus for designing such a useful gene.

Thursday 22/2/07

• To be fair, thon one could enter the men’s competition too.

Sunday 18/2/07

• Stripey brown scarf for sale.  One careful owner.

Saturday 10/2/07

• Jumped too soon?  So will the time to jump be later?

Friday 9/2/07

• As a follow up to Wednesday's "news", today's "news" is pictures of NO snow, what the fuck!?  What tomorrow?  First images of man not landing on Mars?  Live footage of Jesus not appearing at the second coming?  Or maybe just YouTube clips of BBC journalists sitting on their lazy asses.

Wednesday 7/2/07

• So this is what passes as “news” these days, animals in the fucking snow?  How much is the license fee going up over the next 5 years?

Tuesday 6/2/07

• Apparently Bernard Manning has bird flu.  It's been a bad time for racists recently.

Monday 29/1/07

• Ripping off storylines from Hollyoaks to make an Oscar nominated film.  Who'd have guessed that could have happened?

Friday 26/1/07

• Like baps?  How about these?

Thursday 25/1/07

• Define "granted":
  Say you had some sweets, you really liked these sweets, but one day Mavis came into your house and beat the crap out of you and took your sweets, then she took some of the sweets and gave them to Sadie.  In this case Sadie would have been "granted sweets".

Sunday 21/1/07

• From an actual episode of Captain Planet.  Of course we all remember the days of the Armalite, ballot box and tactical nuclear weapons strategy.

Sunday 7/1/07

• A year is such a long time in darts.  Last year Jelle Klassen was beating Barney in the BDO, now he's getting his ass kicked by Co Stompe, yes Co fucking Stompe, while Barney goes on to beat Phil Taylor on his own patch.  Anyway, let's cut to the chase and get on with plugging our Ultimate Darts Player piece from last year.

Tuesday 2/1/07

• No doubt it was a white wedding.

Monday 1/1/07

• Happy New Year shite fans!

Tuesday 19/12/06

• Charlie Haughey corrupt!  ...and this also just in: The moon is not made of cheese.

Monday 18/12/06

• We were going to make an advent calendar this year, but realised last year's was so fucking good we couldn't top it.  So feel free to satisfy yourself by basking in its wonder instead.

Monday 11/12/06

• "I didn't rape nobody."  This is why grammar is important kids.

Thursday 7/12/06

• Perhaps the judge in this this case will give a ruling on his own stupid name.

Monday 27/11/06

• How do you mechanically induce acute pain in a rat?

Thursday 23/11/06

• Who's the soup Nazi now Kramer?

Wednesday 22/11/06

• We would just like to clarify a story in the press, the takeover bid you may all have heard about is relating to West Ham football club, and has nothing to do with the world famous Random Shite Ham page.

Thursday 9/11/06

• Is that seriously the best photo they could get of the White House?  It looks like someone photographed it off their TV and thought, “Yeah fuck it, that’ll do.  I’m off down the pub.”
• We would say slap it up you, but it seems that was the problem in the first place.

Tuesday 7/11/06

• This woman should never have been allowed to be a teacher – not because she likes playing hide the sausage with the kids - but because the education of our children should not be in the hands of someone so clearly fucking stupid.  She has obviously learned nothing from Hollyoaks.
• Okay, she was found innocent, but so was OJ.

Monday 30/10/06

• We recommend drinking some Buckfast to help you forget that Tate and McKeever exist.

Wednesday 18/10/06

• Do you think Count Duckula is a necrophilic mallard?

Tuesday 10/10/06

• Has anyone ever seen a cherry-picker used to pick cherries?

Friday 22/9/06

• Is that Bono getting his teeth done?

Wednesday 13/9/06

• See what happens when you let a woman referee football.
• Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Tuesday 12/9/06

• Bob is back.  She needed a shite and is allergic to public toilets, so she came back, but she has been demoted to dogsbody's 3rd assistant, with no sniffing privileges.  Sadly, no sign of Mavis yet.

Thursday 7/9/06

• Breaking News...
  Junior Minsiter for Shite, Bob Sickle, has dramatically quit her post saying, "Tony Blair eats live rabbits - and not the wild ones, the pet ones that little girls feed carrots to - so I quit."

Wednesday 6/9/06

• Saying this building is 1776ft tall, is like putting on a big pointy hat and saying you're 7ft tall.

Monday 4/9/06

• You just know his last words were, "I'll just poke him with this big stick..."

Sunday 3/9/06

• You heard it here first, ages ago.  Random Shite - first for breaking news!!

Friday 25/8/06

• Hey Euan, you missed a bit when you shaved.

Monday 21/8/06

• Well, exam results are coming out again, it doesn't seem that long since last year.

Wednesday 16/8/06

• We already know what it's like and £3 million is a fucking rip-off unless the gimp stays.

Wednesday 9/8/06

• You gotta love the civil service.

Thursday 3/8/06

• Just like in the Zidane incident, the horse will also receive a ban and a fine.  The other horses have expressed relief that for one day they will be safe.

Wednesday 2/8/06

• This might be your only chance ever to walk over Chuck Norris.

Wednesday 26/7/06

• We thought this should be tacked on to the end of this article.
  Northern Ireland
  Temperatures hit dizzying heights of 25C, leading to a 95% chance of people moaning.  Output at nuclear plants not reduced since there are none, but a dumb whale turns up at Ballylumford.  River Lagan smells a wee bit.  Dixons doing a good run on fans.  Peter Hain and Michael McDowell say Sinn Fein/IRA is not behind the heat wave, Sinn Fein claim it has been brought about by the securocrats.  Julian Simmons tan is melting.  Donna Traynor is still horny.

Tuesday 25/7/06

• Ever wonder how a massively inefficient organisation, with giant backlogs should best deal with its problems?  Oh yes, they should have a walkout.

Monday 24/7/06

• Take a look at Not Kiddy Fiddlers and let us know if you have any idea what keywords on that page made Google display an advert to meet Girls Aloud!  Is there something we should know?  It isn't always there, but there's often an advert about Kimberly Walsh too!  C'mon Kimberly, own up, what have you been up to?

Thursday 20/7/06

• Well that will definitely teach the retired multi-millionaire a lesson.

Wednesday 19/7/06

• Has anyone seen George Galloway's beard?  What's up with that?

Monday 17/7/06

• Boat that isn't the Titanic floats back into Belfast, as previously covered by Random Shite.

Tuesday 11/7/06

• Proof that ITV sucks balls.

Sunday 9/7/06

• This just in, Picnic bars have no relationship with picnics.

Wednesday 5/7/06

• Dublin prices have gone mad, they're only 40p up here.

Tuesday 4/7/06

• Penis pump judge guilty, sentenced to year in prison.

Tuesday 27/6/06

• Sick of the World Cup?

Monday 26/6/06

• News just in - Luis Figo not Jesus Christ.

Thursday 22/6/06

• The good people of Kilkee clutching at the most frayed of straws.
• And now for today's instalment of crazy Christians.

Tuesday 20/6/06

• Harry Kewell gets merked.

Thursday 15/6/06

• Why "art" is a fucking joke.

Wednesday 7/6/06

• Maybe those knob-ends in charge of Maze should read this.

Thursday 1/6/06

• A poorly chosen headline perhaps.

Wednesday 31/5/06

• Check out who owns De Paor Designs in Dun Laoghaire!!
  (Down beside Brian Cowen's ugly mug.)

Wednesday 24/5/06

• Check out the Random Shite Beer Countdown!!  We're counting the minutes until beer time!

Sunday 21/5/06

• For any of you who missed the lottery last night.

Friday 19/5/06

• He probably didn't turn up, because like the students friend that he is, he was probably nursing a hangover and watching Quincy.

Thursday 18/5/06

• Paul McCartney won't any more, but would you?

Tuesday 9/5/06

• Some great local reporting from the Mirror here.  Despite having the only fact required for the story actually written down, they still managed to get it wrong.  Keep up the great work lads!

Monday 8/5/06

• Great quote from Barry Hearn, who also promotes snooker, after this years final...
  

  "I hear Peter Ebdon swims a mile every day.  That means that in a year he could be 365 miles away.  That is the best that we can hope for after this.  If this was a boxing match it would have been stopped on Sunday night to spare the fans any more punishment."

Saturday 6/5/06

• A tough political lesson - never get in the way of Boris Johnson.

Friday 5/5/06

• Is it really a good idea to give him more free time to buck women?

Thursday 4/5/06

• When you're taking a slash do you ever look down and it seems like you're pissing from your tie?

Wednesday 3/5/06

• Maybe Rooney broke his metawhatsit because he put too much weight on it.

Friday 28/4/06

• Kids are fucking stupid.

Thursday 27/4/06

• Anybody watching Ebdon play Fu in the Snooker?  If you press interactive you can watch paint dry instead.

Thursday 20/4/06

• Another fucker jumping on the Maze 2012 bandwagon, a bit fucking late Peter!

Tuesday 18/4/06

• An unusually high number of iron bar and baseball bat related accidents though.

Thursday 13/4/06

• Great news.  Word on the street is that Select Recruitment have gone into liquidation.  It couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of bastards.

Tuesday 11/4/06

• Silvio Berlusconi - nutter.

Saturday 8/4/06

• They obviously took it when he wasn't looking.

Tuesday 4/4/06

• "He forgets he has memory problems," well duh.  And surely he should have been called Mr. 'E' and not Mr. 'A'?

Wednesday 29/3/06

• More bastards in Belfast than Derry.
• A full eclipse of the sin can also be caused at any time by putting your hands over your eyes.

Tuesday 28/3/06

• News story of the day.  Make sure and read it all.

Monday 27/3/06

• Hey Jacques, tire sur mon doigt!!

Thursday 23/3/06

• Coming over here from Easter and acting like they own the place!
  Update: The bastards fixed it, so they are clearly regular visitors to Random Shite...

Wednesday 22/3/06

• 100,000 shite fans!!  Wooop, wooop!!

Saturday 18/3/06

• Esperantos really know how to get into the spirit of St. Patrick's day.  They added £1 to all their prices last night.  Fucking charming.

Wednesday 15/3/06

• We heard they did a dance on Milosevic's grave as part of it.

Wednesday 8/3/06

• So it's no smoking day again, last year we launched this campaign.
  We think you'll find people are still smoking....
  Random Shite 1 : Government 0 - IN YOUR FACE WOODWARD!!

Tuesday 7/3/06

• Apparently Paul Simon was wrong, there are actually 51 ways to leave your lover - 51 being a high profile dumping when Alastair Campbell tells you to, but that doesn't really rhyme well.

Saturday 4/3/06

• Isn't it a disgrace that Roads Service are dumping salt everywhere not long after the government started a 6g a day campaign on salt intake.  This conflicting info is going to lead to major confusion.

Friday 3/3/06

• Gay rights groups are suing the paper too for suggesting that any of them would do Ashley Cole.

Monday 27/2/06

• Assuming a woman menstruates on average for 5 days during a 28 day cycle this works out at 17% of her time spent bleeding and moaning.  Hence they only get paid 83% of a man's wages.
• Saddam Hussein has ended an 11 day hunger strike for "health reasons."  What exactly did he think would happen during a hunger strike?

Sunday 26/2/06

• David Beckham stupider than a six year old.

Saturday 25/2/06

• Turns out Cheney was blotto, when his mate got shotto.

Friday 24/2/06

• So Portadown 2000, which was formed in 1994 has announced in 2006 how they plan to improve the place.  2012 is shaping up to be a big year for Portadown.
• We will give a pound, that's right one whole pound, to the person who calls the police on this case and tells them that they saw a silver Corsa going down Grangeville Drive and thinks it might have crashed in Ladybrook Park, then asks for a reward.

Thursday 23/2/06

• This is just stupid.  They are complaining about how little they are getting for their milk by giving it away for free.  FOR FREE!! It doesn't take an economist to tell you that this plan isn't going to help, why don't they withhold the milk from the supermarkets?  You don't see hookers giving away sex for free because their pimp is taking too much of a cut from them, do you?.... uh, but if you do, the usual address please.

Tuesday 21/2/06

• Do you not think he could just deny that the trial ever happened and go home?

Tuesday 14/2/06

• You'd think when the postman was around this morning putting leaflets through the door about the strike, he could have brought a few fuckin' letters with him while he was at it.

Sunday 12/2/06

• The third paragraph makes us laugh.

Friday 10/2/06

• So Paul Berry has told the DUP to shove their party up their arse. 
  We knew he was in a sticky situation but it looks like Paul's blown it.

Tuesday 7/2/06

• Ha, ha, slap it up ye!

Thursday 2/2/06

• Proof that appearing on Big Brother has given Preston a big head.
  Look at the size of it!

Tuesday 31/1/06

• Excellent contextual use of the phrase "stagnant market".

Monday 30/1/06

• Ellen this is a real fucking boat race.

Monday 23/1/06

• So what??  They don't listen to anyone else.  Get over it.

Friday 20/1/06

• Anyone see the stupid bint in the audience of Let's Talk last night who was doing A-level politics yet seemingly didn’t know who Nigel Dodds, Mitchell McLaughlin or Angela Smith was?  We know A-levels are getting easier, but what the fuck!?
• Prescott is also rumoured to have fallen into the Thames while chasing an ice cream van.

Thursday 19/1/06

• Well those Phoenix Gas Bastards are hiking their prices again.  An obvious devious move to make the previous 30% seem like not so much when they retract the latest 17% at some stage in the future.  No doubt their next increase will involve re-mortgaging your house.

Tuesday 17/1/06

• With a description like that outside the Bot they'll have him in no time!!!

Monday 16/1/06

• Feel like plucking?  Then get out your twanger!

Thursday 12/1/06

• He was just horsing around.

Wednesday 11/1/06

• £200,000 might sound like a lot of money but the taxpayer is well used to funding a load of hot air up at Stormont.

Monday 9/1/06

• Dick Cheney has been taken to hospital complaining of a shortness of breath.  Unfortunately he was discharged still breathing but doctors did discover that he also has a shortness of morals, decency and penis.

Friday 6/1/06

• Is it not strange for someone to say they have a drink problem but they are getting on top of it, then say if anyone wants a drinking contest that they are completely up for it?  Oh, leadership contest, I see where I made a mistake, my bad.

Thursday 5/1/06

• What would Jesus do?

Wednesday 4/1/06

• Do you know what really gets our goat?  Goat catchers.