In Other News

Friday 5/2/2010

• Thank fuck the BBC captioned this photo or we would never have known who was who.

Thursday 28/1/2010

• What's all this fuss over the Apple iPad?  Apple came out with this much better product years ago.

Friday 22/1/2010

• You'd think Hoddle could put on some fucking shorts.

Thursday 21/1/2010

• This is astonishing news... NIE is storing customers details on TAPE.

Thursday 14/1/2010

• Lazy, lazy, lazy fucking journos.  Not even attempting to cover up the fact they use Google to find their "news".

Tuesday 29/12/2009

• Happy 5th birthday Random Shite!  Send us presents.

Monday 21/12/2009

• Jim Corr has been busy.

Wednesday 16/12/2009

• Four months in and they're only now just noticing Wolves have a shit team?  When are they going to write to Benitez?

Monday 7/12/2009

• You seem to be having trouble finding Shackleton, maybe you should ask Konnie Huq.

Wednesday 2/12/2009

• You should definitely enter our Christmas Shackleton Competition, if you don't you'll regret it when all your friends have badges.

Tuesday 1/12/2009

• Even though it's 4 years out of date and all the windows are open, it has got Terry Wogan's cock - so check out our old Advent Calendar.

Thursday 26/11/2009

• Slugger is this:
  

  Here's a news story.
  What do you think?
  You can't say that, it might be libelous.

  Random Shite is this:

  Here's a news story and here's some libelous and amusing comments to go with it.

  Where’s our 4iP money?

Tuesday 17/11/2009

• Surely someone at the Beeb realised that paragraph two just doesn't add up.

Monday 16/11/2009

• "Passionist" priest that's appropriate.  This guy should buck her, join the Anglicans, then request a free transfer back to the Catholics saying he doesn't like weemin priests, sort of like what Robbie Keane did.

Tuesday 10/11/2009

• OFCOM!!!  Anyone who complains to Ofcom about this should be rounded up and stabbed in the eyeballs on live TV, pre-watershed, then they can fucking complain.

Tuesday 13/10/2009

• First Krugman and now a woman, fuck, next year it will be one for Peston, and the year after one for Snuffleupagus.

Tuesday 6/10/2009

• Get on the blower to our lawyers!!  These cunts stole our idea!  The bloody cheek!

Thursday 17/9/2009

• Bet Nani has filled Ronaldo’s exit void more than once...
• Oh piss off, saying Ballycarrickmaddy is more likely to damage your health.  Presumably they don’t let their kids use mobile phones either, pressed right up against their little precious heads.  They must also keep them in a Faraday cage away from all other sources of electromagnetism, from the mobile phone networks, the electric power lines, and the wife's secret dildo.  And if they saw someone using an iPhone, no doubt they’d have them burned as a witch.  Which is fair enough.

Thursday 24/9/2009

• Len Fisher sounds like a made up priest's name from Father Ted.

Thursday 17/9/2009

• Arsène Wenger – absolute comedy genius!  When he retires, he definitely has to come write for us.

Wednesday 16/9/2009

• The BBC here not even bothering to hide their use of the Internet as a fact checker.

Tuesday 8/9/2009

• Wow wow wow!!  Did we fucking miss something?  Sammy wants a say in Irish government?

Thursday 3/9/2009

• Random Shite suggests changing the name to Team GBNI... mainly because it makes it sound like a gay cheer-leading squad.

Sunday 30/8/2009

• Snippets of 'pop' music have no place in cricket.

Wednesday 19/8/2009

• We think the 'inverted commas' part of this headline should really be swapped around.

Monday 17/8/2009

• Two things about this.  A) Fuck off.  B) Ironically she'd get a good length of salami.

Thursday 13/8/2009

• This should be on every Saturday instead of the crap BBC NI interrupts the real sports with.

Thursday 6/8/2009

• Somebody phone Oxford, we've just found a new definition for "tenuous".

Wednesday 5/8/2009

• Now that Ray $tubbs has left the BBC and is off to £SPN for some reason, it turns out Crooksy's new babysitter will be.... Gabby of Yorath!  God help ye Gabs, first you had to put up with ITV and now this!

Thursday 23/7/2009

• Hitler was never "too busy", although in fairness his comedy website side-project was crap.

Monday 29/6/2009

• This is great news for filth-peddlers like Random Shite, three cheers for the law, yipeeeeeeee!

Friday 19/6/2009

• Yet more evidence that Nobel prize stealing hack Krugman doesn't have a fucking clue what he is on about.

Wednesday 3/6/2009

• In the 8 or so hours since Hazel Blears resigned this morning, we've had 10 different people get to Random Shite by searching Google for "hazel blears tits", "hazel blears, tits out", "hazel blairs tits", or "hazel blear tits".  There are some weird motherfuckers out there (we hope they weren't disappointed when this is what they got).

Wednesday 27/5/2009

• Holy fuck, she's married?

Tuesday 26/5/2009

• We've been busy, get over it.

Friday 15/5/2009

• Just what is Bishop Hegarty's phobia about shaking hands?  Now he doesn't want it because of Pork AIDS, but he's got form on this issue, as you'll see from our report from over three years ago!
• He's been dead to us since Jumanji.

Thursday 23/4/2009

• Plates 'n' shit, well that's just crazy talk.  Or maybe he's a witch - burn him!  Burn him for fuel!

Wednesday 22/4/2009

• Needing to Google "ignoramous" to find the meaning of ignoramus should surely set up some sort of feedback loop that destroys the Internet, if not civilisation.

Friday 17/4/2009

• The Obamas have named their dag after Tammy Bowe!

Friday 10/4/2009

• After doing a little bit of research on the AIDS, partly to do with the Pope, partly to do with the fact that Sadie thinks she can cure it with "a good cup of tea", we discovered that the man the World Health Organisation has put in charge of the AIDS is called Kevin De Cock.

Friday 3/4/2009

• Who left Jacqui Smith's husband in charge of the Home Office website?

Friday 3/4/2009

• Brian Kerr is in the Irish Times saying how Trapattoni doesn’t have the best Irish players in his squad, okay, but then he suggested that Clinton Morrison should be on.  Brian Kerr, you're a tit and you were a shit manager.
• The Snow King on top form.  We’ve duly cancelled our planned Easter trip to the SpreadSheet Centre.

Sunday 29/3/2009

• What the hell did she expect him to do?  She's never there, and a man has certain needs...

Thursday 26/3/2009

• Try telling that to Jade Goody you insensitive bitch!

Monday 16/3/2009

• It looks like our campaign may have worked!  Well, we're claiming credit anyway...

Wednesday 11/3/2009

• We couldn't be arsed commenting on this year’s QUBSU election candidates, they are just as boring as last year – but at least Law is well represented, ahem.

Monday 9/3/2009

• In the aftermath of cheaty Trimble we have suspended Freya.  Sad times.

Monday 2/3/2009

• Haha - slap it up ye Trimble!  Our Freya remains the Quiz Queen!!

Thursday 19/2/2009

• Did you see Coldplay at the Brit Awards? We think that singer has a bad back, he couldn’t stand up straight at all.

Monday 16/2/2009

• Valentine's Day not go as planned?  You should have sent one of our special cards.

Wednesday 11/2/2009

• This is a very saddening story.  What made them do it... what made Tony call his son Atticus!?

Tuesday 10/2/2009

• So Chelski have sacked Big Phil, maybe he should say sorry for not having the league wrapped up by now.  We say bring back Avram.

Thursday 5/2/2009

• Last night’s match may have been the most eventful uneventful match ever...
  • Sock throwing hilarity.
  • Stevie G-string’s hamstring falls off and proves that Liverpool have no other tactics, then Torresh comes off too, but at least René can bring on Robbie Ke... ooops.
  • And finally, ITV yet again make a complete cockfart of football – just what we would expect from a certified Investor in Shite.

Tuesday 3/2/2009

• Arsene finally signs Arseshavin for Arsenal - that's a lot of arse!  Let the comedy begin...
  
  

Sunday 11/1/2009

• Congratulations Ted Hankey - you totally give us the heebie jeebies.  Learn everything there is to know about darts with our Ultimate Darts Player.

Saturday 20/12/08 - 2.15am

• The majority of people who go to the Bot are wankers.  This is kind of obvious, but if you frequent the Bot and don't know this, ipso facto, you are a wanker.

Wednesday 17/12/08

• There are some real quality photo’s here.  Scholes’ is even more embarrassing than when he had his cock out.

Friday 12/12/08

• Surely that is a made up name!

Thursday 11/12/08

• No shit Sherlock! A fucking 10 year old can tell you that – the baby either gets the man's X or Y chromosome, there's a fuck load of sex deciding genes.  Fuck sake, what headline tomorrow, "Black parents more likely to have black kids"?  It's safe to say the Nobel prize isn't in the bag quite yet.

Wednesday 10/12/08

• The festive season is upon us, when turkeys across the land screech in agony for the last time, as the farmer zips us his trousers and begins to strangle.  In the meantime you, along with the rest of the monkeys, shop for tat for family members you don’t even like that much, while anticipating what kind of useless, unusable crap they will get you.
  
  However, there is no need to suffer this misery, yes there is a way out, a way to get the best present ever... a Random Shite badge!!  Enter our competition and your Christmas might just be merry!

Monday 8/12/08

• When delivering the sentence the judge should have told him he was free to go, then, as Stone celebrated, tell him it was performance art and give him the real sentence.

Sunday 7/12/08

• Fuck off.  Actually, they better hope no defenders go near it or it's likely to unexplainably collapse of its own accord.
• Or so he thinks.  It's really £17.50

Wednesday 3/12/08

• Wow, wow, wow, Venice, you've been milking tourists with that water thing for years, and now you're moaning about it?  Fuck off.

Tuesday 2/12/08

• Once again Random Art is overlooked for the Kathleen Turner prize.

Tuesday 25/11/08

• Maybe someone has been wanking into their pouches?

Wednesday 19/11/08

• Maybe now they'll get around to investigating the crisp packets that are far from full and the ever shrinking Creme Eggs.

Friday 7/11/08

• The only way to get a drink in White's without queuing for an hour.

Monday 3/11/08

• You've made Dungiven proud, and will surely be welcomed home with a parade of your own!  Or a knee-capping...
  
  

Monday 27/10/08

• You have to admire the sentiment.

Thursday 23/10/08

• Using thon thing on the left, you can now share all our wonderful shite with your "friends".  Your online friends obviously.  Not real people.

Monday 20/10/08

• The SDLP don't care if birds shit on you as you walk to work.

Thursday 16/10/08

• This is funny, because most of his "fans" are too busy to buy anything he's released since 1969.

Monday 13/10/08

• What the fuck is this?  We've been whipping out economic plans quicker than a global market crash and we get fuck all.  Krugman?  Krugman is a hack!
  
  It should also be noted that it isn’t actually an official Nobel Prize at all, since as everyone is finding out, economics has about as much root in the real world as alchemy.

Friday 10/10/08

• We warned you that peak sausage would be a problem!!

Wednesday 1/10/08

• Priests want your daughters’ vaginas to rot.

Thursday 18/9/08

• First that ballbag Maguire, and now the Guardian is trying to muscle in on our turf.  Come up with your own stories you lazy journo bastards!

  August 18th - Random Shite
   BBC money monkeys are declared Investors in Shite

  September 18th - The Guardian
   Media Monkey: Peston Watch

  We were watching him first ye bastards.
  Random Shite: Reporting the news – before it’s news.

Tuesday 16/9/08

• Brown's in town, quick Miliband - COUP COUP COUP!!
• Here is a picture you would rather not have seen.

Saturday 6/9/08

• AAaArrrrGggHhhHH!!!

Wednesday 3/9/08

• Plagiarising mother fuckers!

  August 21st - Random Shite
   "Gordon Brownpants Cracks"

  August 28th - Kevin Maguire
   "Is Gordon Going Crackers?"

  Come up with your own stories Maguire, you Daily Mirror dipshit!  You’ve been warned – if we catch you writing a piece about Rio Ferdinand spit-roasting Wes Brown, you’re in for it!!

Monday 1/9/08

• Ramos must have realised that selling all those players without replacing them was kind of stupid, so now he's impulse buying.  Don’t be surprised if he buys over 35 players today, also known as “a Keane’s dozen”.
  
  We got Hewlett Packard to tap Spurs' phone earlier and heard this....

  Spurs: Hello this is Tottingham, can we buy your Arse-shavin?
  Russia: No.
  Spurs: But we watched the Euros and decided we want a Russian.
  Russia: You can have Pavalychoochoo.
  Spurs: (Off phone: Is Bent still our only striker?) Hmmm, okay then.  Dress him like the 80’s and send him over.
  

Monday 18/8/08

• On the TV news the BBC are calling the Broadway underpass "Northern Ireland's flagship underpass".  What the fuck?!  What other countries have a "flagship" underpass, who designated it our flagship underpass, and what were they smoking?  It's an expensive bit of road, that's it.  Are we supposed to be somehow proud of it?  A great national achievement?  Ooh look the troubles have stopped and we have a flagship underpass – fuck off.
  
  Perhaps it’s more of a description than a title, since only ships can pass under it.

Friday 15/8/08

• So the A-level results are out again.  Another spectacular year, this time 103% of A-level maths students achieved a pass.

Tuesday 5/8/08

• Surely Vaz's comments about not taking his 11 year old daughter fully endorse the rating that was given?

Thursday 31/7/08

• Surely that photo should be of Northern Bank notes.

Wednesday 9/7/08

• Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, Wayne Rooney wears his class on his arm.

Friday 27/6/08

• There must be a question on the Blue Peter application that says, “Do you love the cock?” and if they say no, they don’t get an interview.  Granted, there’s nothing really to go on other than this story, but there's been a few of them over the years who look like they know a lot about the cock, and pretty much every bloke on it since Mark Currie were all about the cock.

Thursday 26/6/08

• People piss us off, particularly women who take ages at the till, waiting to the last minute to get their purse out then spending a lifetime putting their change back in and packing up everything before they move on - HURRY THE FUCK UP BEFORE YOUR PERIOD STARTS AND YOU BLEED ON MY FEET!

Monday 22/6/08

• This just in - Jim Corr is still mental.  Stay tuned as more will surely develop.

Tuesday 10/6/08

• Interesting revelation on the offside rule last night, that’s one new conversation to have with your girlfriend post-coitus.

Friday 30/5/08

• No shit Sherlock.

Thursday 29/5/08

• "The big time for motorists will be the peak hour in the morning and the peak hour in the evening," he said.  Genius.  Do you think they paid consultants thousands to come up with that conclusion?

Tuesday 27/5/08

• The BBC's choice of scale is ridiculously skewing the perception of this graph.  Surely not to exaggerate the importance of their wee investigation?

Monday 26/5/08

• Actually that works out at less than 28p per day, you've clearly just taken the big number and divided it by the little one and moved the wee dot until it looks right.  That's not really how maths work though, but nice try.  Did you do it without using your fingers?  Well done, now get back to your monkey bars.

Friday 23/5/08

• The bit about Franco is brilliant.
• Our tax money went towards a grand’s worth of stove shelf for that bitch Cherie?!

Thursday 22/5/08

• We always suspected astronomers were using telescopes for perving, and the title of this confirms it.

Thursday 15/5/08

• Michael Ballack has incredibly pert nipples.

Tuesday 13/5/08

• Roy Keane’s watch strikes again.  Do you think maybe it’s just running a bit fast?

Saturday 10/5/08

• Catch yourself on Lawrie.

Sunday 27/4/08

• Chris Buckler, you might be on the big TV now, but you're still a cock.

Tuesday 22/4/08

• Someone tell the BBC how to type €.

Monday 21/4/08

• Today is officially the National Day of Fucking Tedium.

Thursday 27/3/08

• Last time he pulled out was because he thought he heard Hillary coming into the oval office.

Thursday 13/3/08

• Budget Analysis:
  “Who is the budget going to hit hardest?” is the question on everybody’s lips.  The answer is clearly drink drivers.

Wednesday 12/3/08

• Aparently today is no smoking day again.  Our lordyness Big Shaun has of course been a big fan of not smoking for a long time.

Monday 10/3/08

• Someone should tell the journo who wrote this that by putting "taken care of" in inverted commas, it seems that the Ledgers are a mafia family who intend killing the ugly Dawson's Crack bitch.  They also shouldn’t have used a preposition to end a sentence with.

Thursday 6/3/08

• This is rubbish value for money - if someone wants to bung us a fiver, you can stick whatever you want on our front page.

Wednesday 5/3/08

• You can tell you're a culchie when...

Wednesday 20/2/08

• Note to Translink – it would be much appreciated if Lily Allen was under one of your buses rather than on the side.

Monday 18/2/08

• The battle between Sony’s Blu-ray and Toshiba’s HD-DVD was won purely due to the coolness and rememberability of Blu-ray.  If HD-DVD had been called “Sex-Laser 3000” it would have won.  If your company would like to benefit from the magic of the Random Shite marketing department, do get in touch.

Thursday 14/2/08

• Want to make your lover's pussy wet / cock hard this Valentine's day?  Of course you do.  So you should probably get them a card like one from our collection.

Wednesday 13/2/08

• Paying Tim McGarry for the end of Hearts & Minds is really fucking expensive.

Wednesday 6/2/08

• They went far to get that story and photo.  What next, stories about milk in the BBC fridge?

Monday 4/2/08

• Only an Irish event would have such a name.  Judging by Roman Sebrle’s face, he has a “woodie”.

Sunday 3/2/08

• Is OB a plant too?  Seriously, an actual plant with the actual acting ability of an actual plant.

Friday 1/2/08

• Such sloppy writing.  He's called Daniel, not Tearful.

Tuesday 16/1/08

• I think this country is going to get hit hard by viruses such as these more often.  Especially with the increasing population of unhygienic immigrants entering this country.  This country is at bursting point.
  

  Toby C, London, (you go girl!)

Wednesday 12/12/07

• Still investing in shite we see.

Monday 3/12/07

• We might or might not be doing an advent calendar, if we do, we reassure you it will be disappointingly shite.  While we mull over our intentions with a bottle of Tesco’s own brand gin, you can amuse yourselves with 2005’s effort.

Sunday 2/12/07

• Well, you can't spell Titus without tit.

Wednesday 28/11/07

• You couldn't make this shit up.

Monday 26/11/07

• This just in: Dick Cheney has a heart.

Tuesday 20/11/07

• "Agitated", yeah that’s the word you would expect to describe someone who's just been in a car crash.

Monday 19/11/07

• Due to some inclement weather and inclement spilling drink over our 1980’s era computing machinery, things went a bit tits up.  Normal service will be resumed shorty.  Normal service will still be shite though.

Wednesday 31/10/07

• Well don't use the fucking media then to complain about media attention you stupid horrible whore.

Monday 29/10/07

• Sorry for any confusion today with the beer clock.  Bob forgot to account for Anglo-Saxon Summer Time ending.

Saturday 27/10/07

• What John Terry has to say about chefs in football:
  

  Luca Vialli was the first man to bring it in at Chelsea.  He brought in an Italian chef who's still there now - Nick.  First of all the players were all, 'Oh, I can't eat this pasta - what's this all about?'  We'd never seen it or tasted it.

Tuesday 16/10/07

• Emerson - dress up for the TV.
• Probably like listening to a Wings album.

Wednesday 10/10/07

• Some things change and some things stay the same.

Tuesday 9/10/07

• Well this is a tad bizarre.

Sunday 7/10/07

• More fun on Wikipedia, this time Andytown.

Saturday 6/10/07

• He he he... “Pippo Inzaghi is a complete waste of space; and Dida is an opportunistic, cheating, duplicitous, cheating, disingenuous, cheating, lying, cheating, deceitful, cheating, disgraceful, cheating, dishonest, cheating cheat who should be thrown out of football.”

Thursday 27/9/07

• Thief.

Saturday 22/9/07

• Hilarious Wikipedia entry about Ronan O'Gara's intercourse techniques.

Tuesday 18/9/07

• "Laced with additives" - oooooohh evil drug dealers, now they’re adding bad stuff to drugs.

Tuesday 11/9/07

• This excerpt from Jim Davidson's Wikipedia page is all you need to know about him:
  

  In December 2006, Davidson was embarrassed by a 15-year-old boy who heckled him during a performance of his pantomime Dick Whittington in Kent.  Reportedly, Davidson came on stage at the Orchard Theatre in Dartford, delivering the scripted line, "Do you know who I am?” The boy, a Scout in full uniform, loudly replied, "Yes, you’re a fucking wanker."

Sunday 9/9/07

• Loyd Grossman shits all over Uncle Ben.

Tuesday 4/9/07

• Our Guestbook *might* be fixed.

Wednesday 29/8/07

• Happy Faradayday.

Monday 27/8/07

• What the fuck have they done to Ready Steady Cook?

Saturday 18/8/07

• “He has his brother’s characteristics”, aye, he’s a fat, ugly fuck.

Monday 13/8/07

• If you haven't heard about the big international mooning incident, you're missing out.  It's here and here.  Also his Bebo site if you're into that sort of moronic crap.
• What a name.

Saturday 11/8/07

• Listen here you fucking bastards, we had this idea three years ago but it never got off the ground because the British Council wouldn't fund us.  They still refuse to fund Random Shite, despite our best efforts.  Write to them now and tell them they're stupid and wrong.

Thursday 9/8/07

• With a quarter of a million hits now, you'd think we'd make a bit of an effort.

Thursday 19/7/07

• Here lads, play by the rules.  If Trimble gets a Nobel peace prize, then McGuinness gets one of these too.

Tuesday 17/7/07

• They're fucking at it again!  What's an iMadonna.
  Breaking News: RTÉ fix their balls ups, ÚTV don't care.

Monday 16/7/07

• Apple-speak is getting everywhere, what's an iHeld?

Wednesday 11/7/07

• They're spending it all on fancy printers.

Thursday 28/6/07

• Sorry Mrs. Saunders, your crapper looks like it was probably cleaned by the flood if anything.

Monday 11/6/07

• Dry your eyes, lad.  You aren't Pele.  Are they going after every other cunt who was turned away and apologising to them?

Thursday 7/6/07

• Jon Bon Jovi is a cock.  That goes without saying, but he's somehow managed to increase his cockness here.

Wednesday 6/6/07

• Anyone hungry?

Monday 29/5/07

• Fuck the swans Devenport.

Sunday 28/5/07

• Apparently 12 degrees is "bitterly cold".

Wednesday 16/5/07

• Some top quality phrase invention here from the Guardian, "token clown" Titus Bramble.  Genius.

Sunday 6/5/07

• Can everyone who never used to go out in the Cathedral Quarter please fuck off back to wherever it is you were before.

Thursday 26/4/07

• It doesn't say how far underwater they can go.

Monday 23/4/07

• The Green Party want you to live on the streets.
• Also, Samantha Pedder you got all you deserved you stupid bitch.
  The fucking Beeb have since removed all evidence of Pedder's stupidity - censoring communist bastards!!!  The people have a right to know!!  This is what the original page said...
  

  Samantha Pedder, 37, from Saffron Walden, told Panorama: "I've spent near on £1,000, but you think, 'Well I'm in with a chance'.

Tuesday 17/4/07

• Bacon and red wine is the perfect meal then.

Tuesday 10/4/07

• Note to Carlton Palmer, don't shout Jesus Christ on TV.

Wednesday 4/4/07

• Stephen Nolan boaking his ring up and shoveling shite - how much is a TV license?

Monday 2/4/07

• April Fool!!!  We didn't mean a word of it, fuck you Schofield.

Sunday 1/4/07

• Happy birthday Phillip Schofield.

Monday 26/3/07

• Yes, the players are behind you with knives.

Monday 19/3/07

• Hope you all got your mothers cards for Mother's Day.

Friday 16/3/07

• Well it's almost that time of the year again when we show the rest of Europe why we're number one!!  Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Tuesday 13/3/07

• "The moment has come for me to serve you in a different way," Chirac said.  Serve time for being incredibly corrupt when he was mayor of Paris perhaps?

Thursday 8/3/07

• Live election coverage HERE!!
• Did you vote for Bob The Loser McCartney?  If so we'd like to hear from you - email us at cottageindustries@randomshite.co.uk.

Tuesday 6/3/07

• At this election, just like the last one, we are encouraging you to vote for shite.

Tuesday 27/2/07

• And now let us bow our heads and thank Jesus for designing such a useful gene.

Thursday 22/2/07

• To be fair, thon one could enter the men’s competition too.

Sunday 18/2/07

• Stripey brown scarf for sale.  One careful owner.

Saturday 10/2/07

• Jumped too soon?  So will the time to jump be later?

Friday 9/2/07

• As a follow up to Wednesday's "news", today's "news" is pictures of NO snow, what the fuck!?  What tomorrow?  First images of man not landing on Mars?  Live footage of Jesus not appearing at the second coming?  Or maybe just YouTube clips of BBC journalists sitting on their lazy asses.

Wednesday 7/2/07

• So this is what passes as “news” these days, animals in the fucking snow?  How much is the license fee going up over the next 5 years?

Tuesday 6/2/07

• Apparently Bernard Manning has bird flu.  It's been a bad time for racists recently.

Monday 29/1/07

• Ripping off storylines from Hollyoaks to make an Oscar nominated film.  Who'd have guessed that could have happened?

Friday 26/1/07

• Like baps?  How about these?

Thursday 25/1/07

• Define "granted":
  Say you had some sweets, you really liked these sweets, but one day Mavis came into your house and beat the crap out of you and took your sweets, then she took some of the sweets and gave them to Sadie.  In this case Sadie would have been "granted sweets".

Sunday 21/1/07

• From an actual episode of Captain Planet.  Of course we all remember the days of the Armalite, ballot box and tactical nuclear weapons strategy.

Sunday 7/1/07

• A year is such a long time in darts.  Last year Jelle Klassen was beating Barney in the BDO, now he's getting his ass kicked by Co Stompe, yes Co fucking Stompe, while Barney goes on to beat Phil Taylor on his own patch.  Anyway, let's cut to the chase and get on with plugging our Ultimate Darts Player piece from last year.

Tuesday 2/1/07

• No doubt it was a white wedding.

Monday 1/1/07

• Happy New Year shite fans!

Tuesday 19/12/06

• Charlie Haughey corrupt!  ...and this also just in: The moon is not made of cheese.

Monday 18/12/06

• We were going to make an advent calendar this year, but realised last year's was so fucking good we couldn't top it.  So feel free to satisfy yourself by basking in its wonder instead.

Monday 11/12/06

• "I didn't rape nobody."  This is why grammar is important kids.

Thursday 7/12/06

• Perhaps the judge in this this case will give a ruling on his own stupid name.

Monday 27/11/06

• How do you mechanically induce acute pain in a rat?

Thursday 23/11/06

• Who's the soup Nazi now Kramer?

Wednesday 22/11/06

• We would just like to clarify a story in the press, the takeover bid you may all have heard about is relating to West Ham football club, and has nothing to do with the world famous Random Shite Ham page.

Thursday 9/11/06

• Is that seriously the best photo they could get of the White House?  It looks like someone photographed it off their TV and thought, “Yeah fuck it, that’ll do.  I’m off down the pub.”
• We would say slap it up you, but it seems that was the problem in the first place.

Tuesday 7/11/06

• This woman should never have been allowed to be a teacher – not because she likes playing hide the sausage with the kids - but because the education of our children should not be in the hands of someone so clearly fucking stupid.  She has obviously learned nothing from Hollyoaks.
• Okay, she was found innocent, but so was OJ.

Monday 30/10/06

• We recommend drinking some Buckfast to help you forget that Tate and McKeever exist.

Wednesday 18/10/06

• Do you think Count Duckula is a necrophilic mallard?

Tuesday 10/10/06

• Has anyone ever seen a cherry-picker used to pick cherries?

Friday 22/9/06

• Is that Bono getting his teeth done?

Wednesday 13/9/06

• See what happens when you let a woman referee football.
• Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Tuesday 12/9/06

• Bob is back.  She needed a shite and is allergic to public toilets, so she came back, but she has been demoted to dogsbody's 3rd assistant, with no sniffing privileges.  Sadly, no sign of Mavis yet.

Thursday 7/9/06

• Breaking News...
  Junior Minsiter for Shite, Bob Sickle, has dramatically quit her post saying, "Tony Blair eats live rabbits - and not the wild ones, the pet ones that little girls feed carrots to - so I quit."

Wednesday 6/9/06

• Saying this building is 1776ft tall, is like putting on a big pointy hat and saying you're 7ft tall.

Monday 4/9/06

• You just know his last words were, "I'll just poke him with this big stick..."

Sunday 3/9/06

• You heard it here first, ages ago.  Random Shite - first for breaking news!!

Friday 25/8/06

• Hey Euan, you missed a bit when you shaved.

Monday 21/8/06

• Well, exam results are coming out again, it doesn't seem that long since last year.

Wednesday 16/8/06

• We already know what it's like and £3 million is a fucking rip-off unless the gimp stays.

Wednesday 9/8/06

• You gotta love the civil service.

Thursday 3/8/06

• Just like in the Zidane incident, the horse will also receive a ban and a fine.  The other horses have expressed relief that for one day they will be safe.

Wednesday 2/8/06

• This might be your only chance ever to walk over Chuck Norris.

Wednesday 26/7/06

• We thought this should be tacked on to the end of this article.
  Northern Ireland
  Temperatures hit dizzying heights of 25C, leading to a 95% chance of people moaning.  Output at nuclear plants not reduced since there are none, but a dumb whale turns up at Ballylumford.  River Lagan smells a wee bit.  Dixons doing a good run on fans.  Peter Hain and Michael McDowell say Sinn Fein/IRA is not behind the heat wave, Sinn Fein claim it has been brought about by the securocrats.  Julian Simmons tan is melting.  Donna Traynor is still horny.

Tuesday 25/7/06

• Ever wonder how a massively inefficient organisation, with giant backlogs should best deal with its problems?  Oh yes, they should have a walkout.

Monday 24/7/06

• Take a look at Not Kiddy Fiddlers and let us know if you have any idea what keywords on that page made Google display an advert to meet Girls Aloud!  Is there something we should know?  It isn't always there, but there's often an advert about Kimberly Walsh too!  C'mon Kimberly, own up, what have you been up to?

Thursday 20/7/06

• Well that will definitely teach the retired multi-millionaire a lesson.

Wednesday 19/7/06

• Has anyone seen George Galloway's beard?  What's up with that?

Monday 17/7/06

• Boat that isn't the Titanic floats back into Belfast, as previously covered by Random Shite.

Tuesday 11/7/06

• Proof that ITV sucks balls.

Sunday 9/7/06

• This just in, Picnic bars have no relationship with picnics.

Wednesday 5/7/06

• Dublin prices have gone mad, they're only 40p up here.

Tuesday 4/7/06

• Penis pump judge guilty, sentenced to year in prison.

Tuesday 27/6/06

• Sick of the World Cup?

Monday 26/6/06

• News just in - Luis Figo not Jesus Christ.

Thursday 22/6/06

• The good people of Kilkee clutching at the most frayed of straws.
• And now for today's instalment of crazy Christians.

Tuesday 20/6/06

• Harry Kewell gets merked.

Thursday 15/6/06

• Why "art" is a fucking joke.

Wednesday 7/6/06

• Maybe those knob-ends in charge of Maze should read this.

Thursday 1/6/06

• A poorly chosen headline perhaps.

Wednesday 31/5/06

• Check out who owns De Paor Designs in Dun Laoghaire!!
  (Down beside Brian Cowen's ugly mug.)

Wednesday 24/5/06

• Check out the Random Shite Beer Countdown!!  We're counting the minutes until beer time!

Sunday 21/5/06

• For any of you who missed the lottery last night.

Friday 19/5/06

• He probably didn't turn up, because like the students friend that he is, he was probably nursing a hangover and watching Quincy.

Thursday 18/5/06

• Paul McCartney won't any more, but would you?

Tuesday 9/5/06

• Some great local reporting from the Mirror here.  Despite having the only fact required for the story actually written down, they still managed to get it wrong.  Keep up the great work lads!

Monday 8/5/06

• Great quote from Barry Hearn, who also promotes snooker, after this years final...
  

  "I hear Peter Ebdon swims a mile every day.  That means that in a year he could be 365 miles away.  That is the best that we can hope for after this.  If this was a boxing match it would have been stopped on Sunday night to spare the fans any more punishment."

Saturday 6/5/06

• A tough political lesson - never get in the way of Boris Johnson.

Friday 5/5/06

• Is it really a good idea to give him more free time to buck women?

Thursday 4/5/06

• When you're taking a slash do you ever look down and it seems like you're pissing from your tie?

Wednesday 3/5/06

• Maybe Rooney broke his metawhatsit because he put too much weight on it.

Friday 28/4/06

• Kids are fucking stupid.

Thursday 27/4/06

• Anybody watching Ebdon play Fu in the Snooker?  If you press interactive you can watch paint dry instead.

Thursday 20/4/06

• Another fucker jumping on the Maze 2012 bandwagon, a bit fucking late Peter!

Tuesday 18/4/06

• An unusually high number of iron bar and baseball bat related accidents though.

Thursday 13/4/06

• Great news.  Word on the street is that Select Recruitment have gone into liquidation.  It couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of bastards.

Tuesday 11/4/06

• Silvio Berlusconi - nutter.

Saturday 8/4/06

• They obviously took it when he wasn't looking.

Tuesday 4/4/06

• "He forgets he has memory problems," well duh.  And surely he should have been called Mr. 'E' and not Mr. 'A'?

Wednesday 29/3/06

• More bastards in Belfast than Derry.
• A full eclipse of the sin can also be caused at any time by putting your hands over your eyes.

Tuesday 28/3/06

• News story of the day.  Make sure and read it all.

Monday 27/3/06

• Hey Jacques, tire sur mon doigt!!

Thursday 23/3/06

• Coming over here from Easter and acting like they own the place!
  Update: The bastards fixed it, so they are clearly regular visitors to Random Shite...

Wednesday 22/3/06

• 100,000 shite fans!!  Wooop, wooop!!

Saturday 18/3/06

• Esperantos really know how to get into the spirit of St. Patrick's day.  They added £1 to all their prices last night.  Fucking charming.

Wednesday 15/3/06

• We heard they did a dance on Milosevic's grave as part of it.

Wednesday 8/3/06

• So it's no smoking day again, last year we launched this campaign.
  We think you'll find people are still smoking....
  Random Shite 1 : Government 0 - IN YOUR FACE WOODWARD!!

Tuesday 7/3/06

• Apparently Paul Simon was wrong, there are actually 51 ways to leave your lover - 51 being a high profile dumping when Alastair Campbell tells you to, but that doesn't really rhyme well.

Saturday 4/3/06

• Isn't it a disgrace that Roads Service are dumping salt everywhere not long after the government started a 6g a day campaign on salt intake.  This conflicting info is going to lead to major confusion.

Friday 3/3/06

• Gay rights groups are suing the paper too for suggesting that any of them would do Ashley Cole.

Monday 27/2/06

• Assuming a woman menstruates on average for 5 days during a 28 day cycle this works out at 17% of her time spent bleeding and moaning.  Hence they only get paid 83% of a man's wages.
• Saddam Hussein has ended an 11 day hunger strike for "health reasons."  What exactly did he think would happen during a hunger strike?

Sunday 26/2/06

• David Beckham stupider than a six year old.

Saturday 25/2/06

• Turns out Cheney was blotto, when his mate got shotto.

Friday 24/2/06

• So Portadown 2000, which was formed in 1994 has announced in 2006 how they plan to improve the place.  2012 is shaping up to be a big year for Portadown.
• We will give a pound, that's right one whole pound, to the person who calls the police on this case and tells them that they saw a silver Corsa going down Grangeville Drive and thinks it might have crashed in Ladybrook Park, then asks for a reward.

Thursday 23/2/06

• This is just stupid.  They are complaining about how little they are getting for their milk by giving it away for free.  FOR FREE!! It doesn't take an economist to tell you that this plan isn't going to help, why don't they withhold the milk from the supermarkets?  You don't see hookers giving away sex for free because their pimp is taking too much of a cut from them, do you?.... uh, but if you do, the usual address please.

Tuesday 21/2/06

• Do you not think he could just deny that the trial ever happened and go home?

Tuesday 14/2/06

• You'd think when the postman was around this morning putting leaflets through the door about the strike, he could have brought a few fuckin' letters with him while he was at it.

Sunday 12/2/06

• The third paragraph makes us laugh.

Friday 10/2/06

• So Paul Berry has told the DUP to shove their party up their arse. 
  We knew he was in a sticky situation but it looks like Paul's blown it.

Tuesday 7/2/06

• Ha, ha, slap it up ye!

Thursday 2/2/06

• Proof that appearing on Big Brother has given Preston a big head.
  Look at the size of it!

Tuesday 31/1/06

• Excellent contextual use of the phrase "stagnant market".

Monday 30/1/06

• Ellen this is a real fucking boat race.

Monday 23/1/06

• So what??  They don't listen to anyone else.  Get over it.

Friday 20/1/06

• Anyone see the stupid bint in the audience of Let's Talk last night who was doing A-level politics yet seemingly didn’t know who Nigel Dodds, Mitchell McLaughlin or Angela Smith was?  We know A-levels are getting easier, but what the fuck!?
• Prescott is also rumoured to have fallen into the Thames while chasing an ice cream van.

Thursday 19/1/06

• Well those Phoenix Gas Bastards are hiking their prices again.  An obvious devious move to make the previous 30% seem like not so much when they retract the latest 17% at some stage in the future.  No doubt their next increase will involve re-mortgaging your house.

Tuesday 17/1/06

• With a description like that outside the Bot they'll have him in no time!!!

Monday 16/1/06

• Feel like plucking?  Then get out your twanger!

Thursday 12/1/06

• He was just horsing around.

Wednesday 11/1/06

• £200,000 might sound like a lot of money but the taxpayer is well used to funding a load of hot air up at Stormont.

Monday 9/1/06

• Dick Cheney has been taken to hospital complaining of a shortness of breath.  Unfortunately he was discharged still breathing but doctors did discover that he also has a shortness of morals, decency and penis.

Friday 6/1/06

• Is it not strange for someone to say they have a drink problem but they are getting on top of it, then say if anyone wants a drinking contest that they are completely up for it?  Oh, leadership contest, I see where I made a mistake, my bad.

Thursday 5/1/06

• What would Jesus do?

Wednesday 4/1/06

• Do you know what really gets our goat?  Goat catchers.