How To Make Your Hovel A Home

Kirstie and Phil Hello, this is Phil and I’m Kirstie, the one with the bigger penis. With house prices rising like a paedophile’s man-hammer around a playground, it is important you know how to make the best of your home. So here’s some inside industry tips we have for you so you can improve that rented shack of yours and make it a delight to behold.

Up-lighting in your bathroom hides all kinds of dirt and detritus from view. It also gives you a sexy glow in the shower.
When hanging a washing line outside, be sure to use Gay Line™.
A TV stand with wheels is better than any fucking coffee table.
A Yellow Pages makes a handy alternative to buying an armchair that actually works.
Never buy a Sainsbury’s brand kettle, it will make your tea taste cheap.
Porcelain cocks make a beautiful adornment on any mantelpiece.

If you have any suggestions to add, email
kirstie-goes-on-top@randomshite.co.uk