How To Be A Student

QUBSU Well it’s that time of year again when students old and new descent upon Belfast like drunken moths to a big candle made of beer. Rumour even has it that they’re giving out degrees up in Jordanstown now - ha! - they’ll be giving women the vote next. Anyway, it’s important to use your student years wisely, since Gordon Brown is now charging handsomely for it. To make the most of your time, here are some hints and tips to help you:

Why not place an advertisement/flyer for your favourite pub/nightclub on the inside of your living room window. This way like minded students can feel a sense of solidarity with you as they walk past your house and shout, "Here, Mickey! Them boys go to the ‘Shaaws too!"
In the summer, don’t drink inside, bring the sofa outside!
When the second instalment of your student load arrives, don't forget to keep £500 aside for your Oxegen ticket. Oxegen is basically the Holylands, but in a field and without those pesky residents.
If you find yourselves bored on the way home from the pub, why not liven things up a bit with a nice loud sing song. The residents like Irish rebel songs the best.
Missing the green, green grass of your home GAA pitch? Just use the road. The people driving past in cars won’t mind, and it doesn’t really matter if you hit parked ones. If you’re concerned sure why not do it at night when there is less traffic – the more of you and the drunker the better!
It’s great craic to kick banisters out of the stairs. The landlord will probably see the funny side.
Why not hang the flag of your favourite county from an upstairs window. This both shows your support for your GAA team and shows burglars which houses are likely to be empty come the weekend.
When you're out and about in your aul trackies and GAA top, always make sure to bring a bottle of mineral.
Write SQUAM above your front door in big thick marker.
If you get stopped by Chris Buckler some night on your way home from a well deserved 20 pints, shove his microphone up his hole and fuck him into a Continental 1100.
Above all, don't forget during your time to make yourself at home, relax and enjoy yourself. It's YOUR Holylands and if you receive any verbal or written abuse from the residents, pay no attention. Who cares about them, they're just residents.
M&M Property Services will fuck you over.

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feckin-students@randomshite.co.uk