House of Lords Reform Plan

My Dearest Underlings,

After several hundred years of flawless operation, except that cunt Archer, New Labour New Danger have decided that they want to fuck with the system yet again.  I have not read and nor do I ever intend to read their recent proposals, that's not what we do in the House of Lords, but I reject them in their entirety.  With that in mind I have skipped a recent boring closed chamber debate on the government's secret plans to barcode your children, instead using the time to carefully craft a proposal on the future of our second chamber.  Speaking of second chambers, I must go to the chemist, that yeast infection has gone too far.

• After Friday voting has closed in the Big Brother house, the HOL will have the opportunity to debate the outcome and veto it if necessary.  The HOL will also have the rights to hang Davina McCall upside down and flail her mercilessly.
• Hereditary peers will be retained.  If a hereditary peer dies without an heir, a pet or an animal of reasonable standing from their community will take their place.  Animals have rights too.
• Blankets and slippers will be provided in the chamber courtesy of the tax payer.
• Go-go dancers will flank the Queen at the opening of parliament, which will be followed by a foam party.
• More pork pie in the HOL canteen.
• Former members of Steps will jointly become Lord of the Dance.  Yankee-Irish leprechaun bucker, Michael Flatley will no longer be allowed to use this title, and will be buried knee deep in concrete and sent to Siberia.
• Baroness Blood will have to change her name to something that doesn’t sound like a wrestler.
• Purchasing of titles through sites such as ebay will be strictly prohibited, only the official www.lordforagrand.com website will be licensed to sell peerages.
• Lord Sainsbury will have to share his lordship on a rotational basis with Lord Tesco, Lord Centra, Lord Spar and Paddy Ashdown.
• Fox hunting will no longer take place across the countryside, instead vast swathes of the countryside will be rezoned as designated fox hunt areas.  All plebs living on these lands will be shipped to France, protestors will be shipped to New Zealand, where they can fuck sheep until fully satisfied.
• Lord Rooker will have his boundaries redrawn, with his ass designated a brown-field site so that the people of Northern Ireland can build on it.
• Matthew Paris will announce on Newsnight that Peter Mandelson is the new Lord of the Rings.

Yours Lordily,