History of Art
Hello, I’m Morph, Tony Hart’s Semtex chum. I’m afraid Tony can’t be here to host this since, he is away
doing an art piece called, “Neil Buchanan is a fanny, so I buried him in sand”. He is also rumored to
be working on a piece tentatively titled, "Rolf Harris with a didgeridoo up his ass," but it is not known
yet what this will look like....
Art. Oscar Wilde said it was quite useless and they banged him up in gaol for it. A bit harsh
maybe. From an early age we're all given crayons and paints to make a right fucking mess of our
clothes and leave hand prints on the wall, but few of us are actually able to create something that
looks any better than the puddle of vomit that greets us every morning after Sadie has been on the
vermouth of a night.
We know you know fuck all about art. How do we know? Because you spend your time on t’Internet
looking at pages like this. So we've thrown together a history of art for you so you can bullshit
your way through the next prison visit to the local art gallery. Some of these may have got free
money from the British Council. We didn’t. The bastards.
Even before Crayola we’ve been doing art. You can see from yer man over there
that one of the first things man ever did was draw massive knobs – a tradition that
continues in all good public conveniences even today. Just out of view in that
picture is an ancient limerick about doing a poo and a phone number for a girl who
allegedly sucks cock.
The Venus de Milo took the nakedness to women. She is the patron saint of
builders' bums. Her original arms have been removed in attempt to get rid
of her hairy Greek armpits and also to get a better side view of her tits. Her
original inspiration was a gummy bear.
The statue of David by Michelangelo is famous for one thing and one thing only. Okay
two things – his shaven sack and his obvious merkin.
This is the most famous ugly bint ever painted (unless Vanessa Feltz has been
painted). She was painted by the Renaissance friend of Michelangelo, Leonardo da
Vinci. When not involved in painting and god-awful novels Leonardo liked to
lead, Donatello did machines, Raphael was cool but crude and Michelangelo was a party dude.
Cubism. In school children are taught to draw shapes, it helps with their
development. So does milk, but Thatcher stopped that. Some people clearly
didn’t fully develop artistically and could only draw squares. But some politically
correct toolbag of a teacher thought it would be wrong to tell little Frankie that he was
a dumbass and should stay back for a year, no they told him it was "cubism" and sent him
to art college. Wankers.
The impressionists. Some artists painted portraits of Rory Bremner. We don’t know why.
< Artists impression of Rory Bremner
As the year 2000 approached, humanity was reaching the peak of artistic zen. Sorry, did that
say peak, it was meant to say deep shit-filled ditch. Tracey Emin became loved
and revered by many due to her tent, bed, dirty pants and cum filled johnnys. If you don’t
“get” her work, you are clearly a philistine of little intellect and no taste. Or you have
eyes. Emin’s work later went on to prove that shit does burn.
For some real art see our art page. Then email your art to
arty-farty@randomshite.co.uk
