Hell Freezes Over
So the lunatics have finally agreed that they will take over the asylum, a time to celebrate
indeed. When Gerry started talking about the colours did anyone else think he was
going to start singing that "all the colours of the rainbow" song? Surely only that could
have made today’s foray into the twilight zone more bizarre.
Undoubtedly the funniest moment was at the very end when Gerry finished and looked over
at big Ian and stared at him, clearly hoping Ian would tell him he loves him, or at
least say, "well done boy". But Ian wouldn’t even look at him and like a sad dog
Gerry just kept looking. Awwww.
And so, with a 6 week testing/waiting/doing-it-just-to-piss-off-Hain period still to
come, we were wondering how things would pan out. Luckily Sadie had her crystal
balls handy, so she got them out, gave them a polish, and here’s what we saw...
Week 1:
Peter Robinson will attempt to get a number of ducks in a row. His record so
far is 12 but they're very hard to keep still. This time he plans to do it
at night when they're asleep. Luckily this will also mean Iris is less
likely to catch him harassing ducks again.
Catriona Ruane will be expected to jump through hoops. If she performs this
task well, she will then be asked to walk over a seesaw and jump up onto a little
podium. If all goes well she will be entered into next year's Crufts.
Week 2:
Jim Allister will oppose oxygen.
Ian Óg will shit in a paper bag, set it on fire and leave it on Gerry Adams'
doorstep. This is to test a) whether he will phone the police, and b) to see
just how durable Armani shoes are.
Week 3:
One of the DUP's tests for Sinn Fein was that Gerry "not the one off the telly" Kelly
and Michelle Gilderwilderhilderbilderfildernew (yer woman from the bottom corner) had
to spend the night in a haunted house. It was decided that this would be a night
with Willie McCrea. It was unclear whether Michelle had the willies put up her.
Week 4:
The parties haven’t had a long weekend of "negotiations" in a fancy castle or country
setting this year, so a "crisis" will come to the fore that requires delegations to
go to Dubai to stay in that weird looking hotel. Except Jim Allister, he opposes
foreigners and flying.
Also in Week 4, Sinn Fein representatives begin to lobby party leader Gerry Adams for
ministerial portfolios. One of the first events is an official "Beard Off"
involving Alex Maskey, Francie Molloy and Francie Brolly. Sue Ramsey was meant
to take part but had already shaved that morning.
Week 5:
As the deadline approaches the DUP will demand that Peter Hain puts on a frilly dress
and “dance like a little bitch for peace”, just to see if he will.
Gerry Adams suggests to Ian Paisley that since he’s trying out new things he might as
well have a wee taste of the devil’s buttermilk. He obliges and is heard to
mutter, “fuck me what have I been wasting my life for...”
Week 6:
With trust now building between the two leaders, they swap MSN addresses,
(bigdoc4ulster@hotmail.com and ismisegerry1916@hotmail.com).
They also add each other to their Bebo friends lists before deleting and blocking
Peter Hain.
However the trust building did not go completely to plan. Two incidents, the
first involving Gregory Campbell giving John O'Dowd a wedgie and the second when Connor
Murphy put tabasco sauce in Sammy Wilson’s soup, created tension among the parties,
but Gerry and Ian resolved it all by taking them to a team building day in Newcastle,
and even treated them to McDonald's and ice cream on the way home.
Can anyone say "Nobel Peace Prize"? Email your thoughts to
aye-why-not-sure-they-gave-one-to-trimble@randomshite.co.uk
