George Brush's State of the Onion Address
"When I swept to power all those years ago our onion was in a terrible state, in fact it
brought tears to my eyes."
"My daddy once told me that peeling an onion is easy, it’s putting the layers back on
that’s the difficult part. The good book says that you should always cook the onion
in some olive oil before adding the other ingredients. The other good book says it’s
harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to put layers back on an
onion. And those liberal hippy Democrats probably say it’s harder to withdraw troops
from Iraq than it is to put the layers back onto an onion. Well I've got me a needle,
Laura’s a bit of a camel, and we've both got peeled onions."
"You know what I’m so proud about when I think of our country here? It's the variety of
onions we have, big onions, small onions and the native Red Onions whom the founders of our
great country kicked off the land when they arrived, but not those sinning, homosexual
spring onions."
"When my girls, the twins, were growing up I always told them to eat their onions and one
day they could drink as much as daddy. Of course back then I called them number 1
and number 2 because I was so drunk, and sometimes I wondered if there was actually only
one of them and I had that double vision thing going on!"
“Man those where the good ol’ days. Jesus I’d love a beer right now. Are you
listening Jesus? I said I’d love a beer right now - make it so. I invaded those
countries like you told me to... can't I at least get a watery American beer off you?
I wonder can you brew beer from onions? It must be possible, the next policy I plan to
implement is for NASA to develop beer from onions. We’ll pay for it by scrapping social
security. What’s that Jesus? Good idea you say? Damn straight!”
“May God bless onions, and god bless America. Wait for standing ovation, oh right, I
don’t read that bit.”
Email your onions to
all-we-are-saying-is-give-war-a-chance@randomshite.co.uk
