Famous Assassinations
Today,
according to our calendar, was the day Julius Caesar Salad was assassinated
by Bluto (who then had a long and drawn out battle with Popeye) and Cassius Clay
(who went on to become a boxer). We don’t know how they are able to pin something like this
down so specifically given that it happened about 2050 years ago, but for the sake of this page
we’ll let it go.
Bluto and Cassius killed Caesar Salad with a rusty spoon, which is the source of the famous
saying, "Bluto and Cassius killed Caesar Salad with a rusty spoon." The getaway
car was a mark II Golf driven by the Stig who now features in the BBC2 show Top Gear.
To mark this occasion we have thrown together a list of famous assassinations and cleared
up some of the historical detail around them:
JFK
was shot in Dallas in 1963. The gunman was the driver of his car who was
angry at the miserable 1.5% pay rise he had been given. The famous film JFK by Oliver
Stone missed this detail because Kevin Costner is a tosser who can't read the script.
Abraham Lincoln was not shot by a squirrel while in a theater as many think, he was
actually shot by a theater while in a squirrel.
The Pope was shot at by his mother in the early 80's because he kept leaving the toilet seat
up. She missed, just as he usually did at the toilet.
Near
the start of the Iraq war the Americans tries to assassinate Saddam Hussein by
bombing a restaurant in Baghdad that they thought he was in, but they didn't get him because
as usual their intelligence was shocking and awful.
The Bible famously has secret codes in it about future events, although for some reason
the experts can only point to past ones, like when they found "Yitzhak Rabin" with
"assassin that will assassinate" running through his name and "video" beside
"killed the radio star."
Malcolm X
was famously assassinated in 1965 for the double whammy of being black
and Muslim, although since then society has obviously moved on from irrational
hatred of blacks. He was survived by his sons Malcolms Y and Z.
Not many people know this, but the Queen Mother was actually assassinated in 1973
by a cartel of racehorse owners and replaced by a gin loving cyborg programmed to gamble
away the country’s wealth. She only stopped in 2002 when her batteries finally ran out.
If you've ever assassinated anyone, drop us a line at
milosevic's-chef@randomshite.co.uk
