Espace Cadets
Random
Shite is making reality website history this week as we fool three idiots into thinking they’ll be spending
5 days in a Renault Espace travelling around Northern Ireland. In fact they will really spend 5 days in
a simulator in a shed near Larne. But as you can see the simulator looks exactly like the real thing.
Now, obviously we’ve had to twist reality somewhat to make a few things fit. For example they won’t be able to leave the car so we’ve told them that it’s all part of a record breaking expedition to break the record for longest time spend in an Espace driving around Northern Ireland so they can't leave the car. We’ve also blacked out all the windows except the front one and put an actor in who will pretend to be their driver – in fact he doesn’t even know how to drive, he’s actually just going to sit there going, “Vroom, vroom,” and jiggling the wheel. Suckers.
We couldn’t get just three random people so we went through a careful selection procedure to pick the most gullible knob knockers out there. First we asked them if Johnny Vaughn was funny, if Invest NI is good value for money and if Dixons staff know best. That soon sorted the wheat from the chavs.
So here are our four Espace Cadets!!!!
Jethro - 23 |
Dympna - 27 |
George - 59 |
Max - 25 |
Day 1:
Dympna almost rumbles the whole thing when she leaves training and roams around looking for burgers.
Day 2: On the day before sending our cadets into the Espace, our scenery projecting equipment fails, throwing the mission into jeopardy. Actually we never had any scenery projecting equipment. We tell the cadets we've decided to go for an even better record - the longest time spend in an Espace driving around Northern Ireland blindfolded. They bought it. We begin to fear our cadets may actually be too stupid to survive 5 days in the harsh environment of an Espace.
Day 3: We finally launch our cadets into the Espace. We all panic when our engine noise making equipment initially fails to work. Thankfully it soon gets up and running. Max our stooge explains it away by telling the cadets the Espace is French and hence a piece of shit, so we didn't even have to lie to them.
Day 4: Jethro gets unnervingly close to the truth when he jokingly says to Max, "Wouldn't it be funny if we were all really in an Espace simulator just outside Larne, and this was all a set-up for the amusement of three old birds running a dodgy website!"
Day 5: Another day another nervous episode. Espace cadet George starts choking on a pretzel when eating his daily rations. Luckily Dympna dislodges it and proceeds to eat it. Despite cutting off his supply of air, we don't think any brain damage occurred, although it's hard to tell.
Day 6: The whole hoax is blown when Dympna, having not eaten for 2 straight hours eats her way through Jethro's left arm. Our lawyers suggest stopping, but not before George orders air strikes on Dypmanistan.
If you've ever been in an Espace why not share your experience at
espace-cadets@randomshite.co.uk
