Deutschland Uncovered

Deutschland, Deutschland über alles.  A great country, a powerhouse of Europe, a sausage lover's wet dream sundae, but what do we really know about Germany?  Let's get the whole Nazi thing out of the way first, because we know that's what you're thinking.  Hitler was just misunderstood.  There, now that we've cleared that up we can move on.

The Germans owe a lot to their patron saint the Hoffmeister.  He famously once made a speech at the Battenburg Gate and pronounced, "Mr. Gorbachov - tear down this cake." Yes he had a poor grasp of German politics, but his heart was in the right place under all that sexy hair.  He single-handedly brought down the Berlin wall through the medium of song and later single-handedly brought Saturday evening hardons to millions of teenage boys through the medium of swimwear.

People often complain about how ugly German women are, but they are wrong.  Germany doesn't actually have any women.  The ugly women are just ugly men.

Germs were invented by the famous German, Einstein in one of his more disastrous academic adventures in 1903.  He was trying to trap gravity in a jar so he could spread it on toast to see what it tasted like but got his sums wrong.  From then on he stuck to marmalade, which is where we get the famous quote, "E equals marmalade squared."

Germany are famed for their gung-ho exciting football.  They are hosting this year’s World Cup and have won it three times.  In the photo you can see Frank Rijkaard congratulating Rudi Voller on some fine stylish play.

In the 16th century famous German, Martin Luther was upset at a lack of German Popes, he said the Italians were a load of nancy boy popes who carried manbags and liked the big hats and frocks too much, so set up his own church in protest.  Recent events have of course seen the German, Pope Benedict 2CV elected and most people now expect the two churches to be unified again in time for Christmas.

The Autobahn is a motorway in Germany without speed limits.  Its purpose is to help evolution kill off tossers in fast BMWs.

Last year Germany had a general election in which no party was the overall winner.  Under their bizarre post-war drafted constitution this meant Mrs. Merton became their new chancellor.

The country occupies a large area in central Europe, in fact for large parts of the 20th century it occupied all of central Europe.  While the rest of the world recognises bordering a number of other countries, in German schools it is taught that the their borders continue on to the east to meet Prussia and Ukraine.  Apparently Germans have refused to concede that Poland was given up after WW2, when, as you all know, Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator entered Berlin and gave Hitler a wedgie.

In the war the Germans were not going for an all out win against the British, but were playing for penalties, which they new they could win, but "fucking Himmler went on a solo run and fucked it all up."

Sadly there has recently been a small rise in the number of Neo Nazis in Germany, who really hate the Matrix.  Well okay, they like the first one but think the second two suck chubby bratwurst.  You can hardly blame them, but there's no need to take it out on the Jews.

In Germany there are no water in taps, instead beer runs from them.  They wash, cook with and drink beer, but they don’t have beer in the toilet.  That’s just fucking stupid.

We know you'll have enjoyed this as much as Mavis enjoys German sausage
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