Dearest Victims’ Commissioners

Dearest Victims’ Commissionerssss (yes, it’s plural and one s for each commissioner),

We hope you are all well, and that they have provided you with more than one chair.  Mike, UTV news licks balls since you left, and we are all the victim of its dreadful output.  We think you should do something about this, but we are unsure whether your remit as a Victims’ Commissioner allows you to go round to Frank Mitchell's house and kick him in the nads.  If it doesn't it should.

But that's not why we write.  We want you and your Victim Commission buddies, the names of whom we can’t remember, to look into what can only be described as the biggest atrocity to touch upon these 5 counties of northern Ireland (fuck off Fermanagh, you aren't a real county) in the past 150 years.  Yes we are aware Northern Ireland has not existed that long, but we are being dramatic, and we are probably traumatised from all the traumatic trauma we have had the trauma of going through.  You wouldn't understand that – ask Bertha, she's been in the job longer.

Anyway, to digress back to the point, did you see this news?  What the fuck is that about?  We at Random Shite have been peddling potentially libelous crap for quite a while now and we don't get a single award.  The BBC website is as useful as a plough at the top of the stairs and is as accessible as something that isn't very accessible.  Yet they get a dangerous spring award and we don't!!

We have been victimised.  We want retribution.  We want revenge.  We want a war crime tribunal to help us, and Graham Norton indicted.  And we want our award.

You lot aren't getting 65 G's a year to do nothing, so get us, the victims, justice.

Now.