Cousin Vera

Vera was born in a manger outside Bethlehem, but not because she is holy, no her mother is a donkey, and her father is Donald Trump.  She grew up fast, because she had a hormone imbalance, and was cruelly called Vera Vadge by her class mates in school.

She was part of the first trip to the moon, as she was the onboard cook and cleaner, but when she stepped off on landing to get some fresh air ("That Armstrong fucker has the most stinking feet I’ve ever smelt.  Have you never heard of odour eaters!"), she was left behind and only returned home eight years later, when she shacked up with legendary singer Cliff Richard.

Cliff didn’t know they were shacked up until three years later when he realised the loofah he was using was in fact Vera's unshaven leg.  Since then she has been on the run from Sue Barker, but can often be seen lurking around Wimbledon on rainy days.