Coaching Badges

Module 1: Looking the other way

A big part of management is not seeing an incident where one of your own players may or may not have been involved in a gratuitous breach of the rules.  When doing his badges, Arsène Wenger got an A* for his patented, "I saw nothing, I was talking to Pat Rice about garlic bread."

Module 2: The offside rule

In this module you learn the nuances of the offside rule.  For instance, when an opponent is called offside, this is a good decision.  When your own player is called onside and scores a goal when even David Blunkett can see he was offside, this is just making up for a number of terrible decisions that have gone against you in previous games.

Module 3: Garth Crooks

In this class you learn that Garth Crooks is a prick.  This particular module has a 100% pass rate.

Module 4: Conducting the invisible orchestra

Anyone who has ever played football (and that doesn’t include Clinton Morrison) will know that directions from the sideline are always ignored, but professional managers have to get out to the sideline and make it look like they know what they are doing.

Marks in this module are given for individuality of hand gestures, passion and the length you are prepared to go to make a tit of yourself.

Module 5: Praising your players

In this section coaches are taught how to get the players on their side when they know the chairman and the board want them sacked.  The skill learned is how to praise your players for their performance when you have just been beaten 5 - 0 by some shit-bag non-league club in the cup.  This usually involves some crap about "keeping their heads high" when everyone else is thinking that their heads should be chopped off.

Module 6: Berating the fourth official

Now that you have learned how to meaninglessly shout at your own men, it's time to move on to the officials.  One never discusses or debates with a fourth official, it must always be "berating".

A good berate will always appear in a Match of the Day 2 highlights package with Adrian Chiles pointing out some amusing aspect of a good berate.  There is no other point to berating the fourth official because never in the history of the game has it ever made any difference, ever.

Module 7: Slagging the referee post match

A referee should never be berated, this will only lead to an FA charge of misconduct.  Pointing out the referee's foibles is like debating in the House of Commons, one must never directly call them an incompetent motherfucker.  Always begin by saying, "I won't say too much, because I don't want to get into trouble," this is football talk for, "what a fucker."  Everyone will know what you mean.

If you are particularly enraged at the bastard in the black, end your discussion with a heartfelt, "I think if he goes home tonight and watches the video, he'll see he's made a mistake."  This is manager speak for, "If I see you in the car park, I will break your nose and rip off your bollocks."

Module 8: The bum slap

Whenever one of your players is substituted you must pat them on the bum as they walk past you.  This is to let them know that they are still your special guy and you will see them in the showers later, despite the fact they are playing like a one legged, blind goat-herder with rickets.

Module 9: Match of the Day

At some point in your career you may be invited on Match of the Day as a pundit.  This is not because your opinion matters or because they think you have a good footballing brain.  It is simply because if someone doesn’t sit between Alan Hansen and Ian Wright, Hansen will end up killing him.

Module 10: Leaving by mutual consent

Okay so now you've got your badges but your team is deep in the shit after just ten games because you pissed the board's money up the wall buying some Hungarian who can't stand and kick at the same time.  At this point you should just stop trying and wait for the vote of confidence from the board, safe in the knowledge that when you get sacked you'll get a sweet ass compensation payment that will make the kick-backs you got from those Hungarian agents look second division.