Catholic Church Catches Reform Bug

So taigs in Derry are now allowed to smile and nod at each other rather than shake their hands during mass.  So now not only will the church be out of touch with the people, the people will also be out of touch with each other.  Which is good because touching inevitably leads to hell.

We've always got our ears to the ground (usually because we've fallen over and broken our hip) and recently we caught wind of a few other reforms the church is going to bring in as they march ever forwards on the really important issues of the day.

• Introduce new badass 13th apostle, Dave, who smokes fags, swears a lot and is the patron saint of happy slapping.
• Lent shortened to 2 weeks, time saved used to polish altar boys.
• Nuns and Monks to be merged as a cost cutting exercise, to be called Nunks from now on.
• New scheme whereby anyone who goes to 3 consecutive Sunday masses and gets their card stamped by the priest can have the 4th Sunday off.
• New options of chocolate, strawberry or "cool original" flavour communion wafers.
• They also now come in a foil sealed wrapper for extra freshness.

If you want to suggest some reforms email
i-love-mass@randomshite.co.uk