Cash Saving Tips

We know you lot are a load of tight fisted, tight arsed, skinflints, so we've decided to compile this handy, everyday guide to help you save money.  Follow these simple steps and your state pension/dole cheque could go a long way...

• If you only have sex with animals, you won’t get them up the duff, so you can save the expense of a condom.
• Don’t buy bread, live like a pigeon, there’s plenty on the street for everyone.
• To save money when water charges come in, buy a big water butt and collect run-off from your roof.  Then submerge your head in it until the kicking stops – dead people don’t need water.
• At mass, treat the collection as more of a lucky dip than a collection.
• To save on heating costs for your employer, stay in bed when you think it’s too cold/wet.
• If in a minor car accident set all vehicles involved on fire and blame it on local spides.  This way you won’t be robbed by a mechanic.
• Never ever shit at home, toilet roll is an opulence you can ill afford – let the man pay for it.
• Energy saving light bulbs might seem expensive but in the long run they are a much cheaper alternative if you shoplift them.
• Always swallow.  It's full of valuable nutrients and cheaper than fruit and veg.
• Don't buy the Guardian.

Of course you can send the money you save to us
as a sign of your undying gratitude...
cash-back@randomshite.co.uk