Carol Vordermankiller
She's struck again.
Not satisfied with shuffling Twice Nightly Whitley
from the mortal coil, Carol has decided to knock off Des Lynam as well. She claims she does
not actually want the big job, but she has been spotted in Desks International trying on a few
swivel seats. But it’s not going to happen, not on our watch.
So if you weren't
expecting a list of inappropriate hosts you clearly haven’t been on this site before:
Tony Blair
Has a "career break" coming up soon. His false charm and middle aged good looks will
be perfect for winning over the blue rinse audience. 30 second Countdown conundrum
likely to be replaced with 45 minute warning of incoming chemical/biological weapons attack.
Steve Staunton
A bit of inexperience and unprofessionalism may be just what Countdown needs to stop
the students watching and get them into class. No doubt he would drop dictionary
corner, the numbers game and the alphabet as part of his restructuring.
Lord Lucan
For the conundrum he will make the contestants cover their eyes for the 30 second
countdown and then come looking for him. Extended coverage will be provided
on E4 and presented by Russell Brand’s anus.
Kim Jong-il
We cant think of any particular reason, but he would be a brilliant host.
HEWLLOOW EWVRYBWODY!!
John Prescott
His grasp of the English language makes him an obvious choice. His charm
and common touch will endear him to all but the most mulleted of egg wielders.
The Countdown conundrum will now be a 163 word long garbled sentence that the
contestants have to make sense of before Prescott tries to take Carol over his desk.
Samuel L. Jackson
Snakes on a motherfucking conundrum. Every time a contestant manages to spell
a naughty word, Vorderman removes an item of clothing. The contestant to remove
the last item of clothing gets to take two from the top and one from the bottom.
Rolf Harris
With Rolf it would be renamed Countdownunder and the famous clock would be ditched
in favour of Rolf and his wobble board. The Countdown conundrum would be
renamed, "Can you see what it is yet?"
